more things you don't say

most people know, by now, the things you don't say to someone who has lost a child. things like "they went to a better place" or "you can have more" or "at least they didn't have to have a bunch of expensive surgeries". generally, since you don't know a family's view on matters such as religion, children, finances, etc... you should just keep your mouth shut. a simple "i'm sorry" is the best way to go. but, face it... nothing you say is going to make it better. everything hurts. it's like walking around with your skin ripped off in a world made of salt.


anyway- my issue is with moms of babies who don't die. i belong to a few hydrops support groups. hydrops isn't always fatal, and there are quite a few survivor babies out there. the one thing i can't stand is to hear that "god saved their baby" or any other "god" explanation. i just can't stand to hear stories of divine intervention, miracles, blessings, or anything else of that sort.


first of all, god didn't save your baby. medicine or genetics saved your baby. second, if god saved your baby, are you saying he didn't think mine was worth saving? third, if your baby hadn't survived, would you say god killed your baby? i didn't think so.


every so often, there's a new mom that pops up in the hydrops community. these moms always have a survival story from the 90's. "don't give up" they say. "have faith and god will heal your baby." now, c'mon... don't say that. the odds are that the baby will die. 80% to 90% chance they will die. faith doesn't have anything to do with that. i always feel like bringing that to their attention. not only are they being way too preachy for my liking, they are also contributing to the religious conflicts a lot of women are going to have when their baby dies anyway. "was my faith not strong enough? did god not love me enough?"


i guess i lost the god-lottery, and he decided my baby had to die. psh.


seriously, people... think about what you're saying. if your awesome faith saved your baby because god loved you so much- what does that mean for those who lost their babies?


let's be honest. it comes down to science and medicine. Carli died because she was sick. she had too much fluid around her heart and lungs. the fluid put pressure on her heart, causing it to stop beating. i can go into the genetics and how she became sick, but i won't. i just know it is all scientifically explainable. nothing just miraculously happened or appeared from nothing. she was going to die from the moment she was conceived.


i simply cannot believe that god chooses certain babies to live and others to die. no, i think i will leave god out of my explanation of Carli's death.