Carli's memorial video

remind me one more time...

dear medical professionals, thank you for taking one hour to make this my worst morning yet.

i had a check up with dr. harris at 8:20. i arrived, and checked in with the same receptionist/nurse that always loses my file. she handed me one of the regular gynecology info sheets; ya know, the ones that ask basically for updates, and a bit of your history. so much has changed in the past 6 days... i have taken up smoking, drinking, started using cocaine, had 4 babies, and got a new sexual partner. seriously? oh well, i humored her anyway, and filled it out.

♥ read more...

normal?

ray went back to work today. apparently we need to "get back to some sort of normal". which, got me thinking... what the hell is normal anyway? are we talking about normal before i was pregnant? or normal when i still was pregnant? because i don't think either are an option anymore.

♥ read more...

the world without Carli

our time in the hospital was comforting. i could see Carli whenever i wanted. everyone that entered my room knew our situation, and was extremely sympathetic. i could cry anytime i needed, and no one asked why. i could be left alone. i wasn't in pain, and i could sleep as much as i wanted.

leaving the hospital, i realized things were about to change very quickly. as the nurse wheeled me out to the parking lot, i thought about the box on my lap. i was so happy that the nurses took pictures, and did several footprints. i was extremely happy to receive the memory box, and all the things i had been given during my time with Carli. i had carefully packed everything into one box, before being discharged from labor and delivery. and then, with that box on my lap, i thought about how strange it was. with my other girls, i left the hospital in this same way... but what was on my lap? a baby. not a box of baby things.

♥ read more...

meeting an angel

we arrived at the hospital just after 7 pm on wednesday march 24th. sitting in the waiting room, waiting for the nurse to take me to labor and delivery, my legs ached to just run away. i have never been so scared in my entire life. even on the way to labor and delivery, i just wanted to turn around and leave. i realized Carli was gone, but wasn't sure i was ready to meet her. i must have told ray that i wanted to go home at least 100 times. i kept thinking that this wasn't how it was supposed to be, and someone must have been wrong about Carli... i needed to protect her; i needed to leave. but, logically, i knew... i couldn't leave. this had to be done.

♥ read more...

so many thoughts

you would think these days would be flying by. we had begun to have hope that Carli would be the miracle baby who survived hydrops, only to hear that crushing news: "i'm sorry. i can't find a heartbeat." although we knew her diagnosis for almost 2 months, i admittedly had been procrastinating about funeral arrangements, and such. i just couldn't bring myself to do it while she was still alive and still fighting. so you would think that with all the things we have to get done, that time would be slipping away quicker than we could handle. but, that is not the case.

♥ read more...

making all the arrangements

i'm thoroughly exhausted today. i didn't get much sleep last night. i woke up early this morning, to get ready for our OB appointment at 9:00. everything seems to be moving in slow motion. my feelings come in waves; at times i feel okay, almost peaceful... then like a ton of bricks, it hits me that my baby will be here soon, and she won't be coming home with us.

♥ read more...

our last visit with the specialist

i told ray last night that i was worried about our appointment with the specialist today. i didn't have a specific reason to be worried... all of our recent check-ups and tests had been good. and, i worried all day... but still... somehow i thought i would be proven wrong. "see? right there's the heartbeat. Carli is fine."

♥ read more...

finalized amnio results

i didn't sleep well at all last night. i'm not sure if it was the impending amnio results, the heartburn, or the dreams i kept having... but i tossed and turned all night. each time i fell asleep, i had baby dreams. holding a baby, feeding a baby, changing a baby... wake up... no baby. it was an extremely frustrating night.

♥ read more...

the weekend

this has been an incredibly long/stressful weekend. it has been super busy, but that wasn't what made it long or stressful (other than the stress of hoping my kids could behave throughout all the "busy-ness"). i feel like i've been waiting for a month on the rest of my amnio results. not to mention, the specialist was supposed to call me on friday to set up my next appointment. so, all weekend i've known that i'm going to have to call the specialist on monday, and i probably won't get any answers right away. so i will more than likely have to harass them for a few days before i find out anything... such an aggravation. maybe staying busy all weekend was a good thing, after all... it kept my mind off of the waiting. i'm so tired of all the waiting.

♥ read more...

another pointless appointment

we had an OB appointment yesterday. i honestly don't know why we go there anymore. she's a great doctor, and i do like to hear Carli's heartbeat... but it just seems we would be better off going strictly to a specialist.

all we did at the appointment was listen to Carli's heart, which is still beating healthy and normal. the doctors are beginning to worry me. everyone seems to be at a loss for what to do. it's like "well.. she's still alive... we didn't expect that... now what?" 

♥ read more...

things i'm tired of hearing

i am tired of hearing: "isn't there anything the doctors can do?"
this has got to be the most ignorant question ever. wouldn't you assume the doctors are doing everything that can be done? oh yeah, there's plenty they can do, but our philosophy is that she will just get over it. of course we, and the doctors, are doing everything that can possibly be done to help Carli!

♥ read more...