i hate Carli-related anniversaries. it's not that the dates always get me down. sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't. what bothers me is that i'm the only one who notices them. and i don't even care that no one else knows it's the 7th month since her birthday... or one year since my positive pregnancy test (no one would know that except for me anyway). it bothers me that i can't forget like everyone else does.
10.27.2010
life goes on
10.26.2010
i feel like complaining
i know i have spent way too much time on babycenter today. there are too many moms on there complaining about crap that doesn't even matter; and now i feel like i need to complain about crap that doesn't matter too.
10.21.2010
Carli's box - part two
i was dreaming that i was in some restaurant about to enter a drawing contest; like the kind where you can win a t-shirt and a gift certificate. i had a piece of paper, and a bucket of crayons. i started to think about what to draw.
Carli's box
anyone who has experienced the death of a child has heard the phrase "let me know if there's anything i can do" about 8,000 times. i heard it so much, it began to make me angry. what could they possibly do? do they even really want to do anything? or is that in some script of what to say to a dead baby's mom?
10.15.2010
october 15th
i'm sure everyone knows it's pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. so, in honor of some very special babies, i wanted to do some name pictures.(they're posted below)
while taking the pictures, i had some difficulties (it started raining and then my camera batteries died). so, there are some differences in the pictures. that being said, if you see something you like (flower colors, lighting, etc.) feel free to comment and request another one. i would be happy to make more! also, if you're baby is not included in my pictures below- please request a picture!
10.12.2010
baby belly
because i am bored. because i am feeling all warm and fuzzy about my baby belly today. because i haven't taken belly pictures for Eden. i want to share my current baby belly:
i never thought this would happen
it's weird to think back to when ray's best friend first announced his wife was pregnant. i remember my reaction... i was sitting beside ray on the bed, still very pregnant with Carli. i could tell by ray's side of the phone conversation what his friend was calling to say. his wife was going to have another baby. i started to cry. his best friend was going to have a healthy baby, and ours was going to die. it didn't seem fair. i had the overwhelming feeling that i had really messed things up for ray. they're best friends. their kids should be the same age, and playing together. but, ours wasn't going to be able to do that.
10.08.2010
appointment update
i realized yesterday that i hadn't updated my blog on my doctor visits. and since everyone reading is oh so interested, i'll get to that now. i had an appointment scheduled to see a specialist and have another (number 3) anatomy scan at the hospital on spetember 30th. well, i decided that hospital was not the place for me, so i skipped that appointment. annnd- i switched doctors and hospitals. i made an appointment for october 7th (yesterday).
10.04.2010
25 weeks
i am now 25 weeks and 2 days pregnant. hopefully, 15 more weeks to go until we get to hold Eden. Carli died sometime during her 25th week. i'm only 2 days into this week, but it already feels like it's been the longest week of the entire pregnancy. i've been having these random fearful thoughts that Eden's heart may stop at any second. every few hours i frantically try to remember when i last felt Eden kick. then, she does kick. next, i try to wait patiently while i count her kicks. finally, i attempt to analyze the kicks for any signs of distress or anything else that may seem abnormal. it is exhausting to be this paranoid. (and some kicks i talk myself into believing they weren't actually kicks, but my imagination... so i start the whole worrying process over.)
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