i'm doing it again

every so often something pops into my head that i hadn't thought of before, or at least hadn't thoroughly researched it. maybe i read about a symptom on the internet. maybe i found something in one of Carli's medical papers. either way, i end up googling for hours. i scour the internet, looking for anything and everything related to whatever it is i'm looking up. 

today, it was short umbilical cord. i suddenly remembered that one of the ultrasounds showed that Carli had a short umbilical cord. so, i started searching. these searches are always similar. lots of frustrating dead ends. lots of articles where i can't see the entire thing, without becoming a member of some website. and, then an article with information. it makes sense. it fits with what i think was wrong with Carli. the root of the problem. she couldn't move. neurological. she was paralyzed. i bookmark the article, and spend a few more minutes thinking about the new information.


in the end, i decide this is all pointless. it doesn't matter what was wrong with Carli. she is dead. i can't fix her now. it doesn't matter, because even if i find an explanation, i can't prove it. i will never know for sure what happened. i will never know for sure if it can happen again.


yet, i so badly want an explanation. a certain diagnosis. closure. 


so, i'll keep searching and bookmarking. i'll keep wondering. and frustrating myself. how long? another year? two years? forever?