when i first heard the word "hydrops" i wanted to find and read everything i could about it. within a few days, i knew all about the causes, tests, treatments, and prognosis. the one thing i couldn't find is an actual person to talk to (or message with). the hydrops communities were like graveyards. literally. memorials to dead babies. no recent posts. a mother would post in a frantic search for connections and information... their baby would die... and they would desert the board. the few people i did find were mothers of survivor babies... and they weren't much help either.
9.30.2011
emails
9.29.2011
repressed
i sometimes click through random posts on my blog, just to re-read something i was feeling last week; last month; last year. today i read Carli's story. it's been about a year since i typed it. as i read through the story, i saw that i typed her weight as "1 pound 13 ounces". and i thought to myself, i thought it was 1 pound 3 ounces. the more i thought, the more i honestly couldn't remember. how could i forget something like that. i remember Lynzie's (6-13) and Lillie's (7-5) and Eden's (8-12). why in the hell can i not remember Carli's?
9.27.2011
rainbow syndrome
losing a baby changes a person in a lot of ways. i'm finding that my parenting has changed... mostly for the good. the only negative is that Eden suffers from severe rainbow syndrome. what's that, you ask?
9.26.2011
the way it is
as the girls bring home school papers, they start to accumulate in a pile somewhere in my house. every few days, i go through and throw away most of the papers. i keep the ones with cute drawings, or funny kid-thoughts. the rest, i force myself to throw away. (i'd like to keep them all... but that is called hoarding)
9.25.2011
church
i haven't been to church regularly since Lillie was born. no particular reason... i just stopped going. i guess i wasn't "feeling it" anymore. jaded maybe. i've only been a handful of times in the past few years. mostly when someone else talks me into going. it's never something i feel like i personally need to do.
9.06.2011
wtf, mom?
i got to go home for a few days, and the trip was very much needed. i start to miss my family a lot when i haven't seen them. then, i go see them, and remember why i'm glad i don't have to see them everyday. no one can get on my nerves quite like my family. i love them. really. but, it's better to visit in small doses.
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