almost an approximate important date

97 days since we held Carli. 3 whole months without her. and what is today? today is the day i've been dreading since march 26th. it's been coming, and i've been fearing how my emotions and sanity would handle it. but, today i find myself struggling with something totally unexpected... what is today? yes, it was Carli's due date. but what does that make it now? the day that was almost the approximate date she would be here?

it's a day i feel completely unconnected to; a day i let go of in january, when we first heard "hydrops" and "poor prognosis". sure, i've thought about what i "should" be doing, if Carli hadn't been sick. i've thought about what she might look like now. but. that's no different from any other day. i always think that.

i was dreading today because i thought it would be a crushing day of despair. i thought my emotions would take over, and i would grieve all day for the baby that did not come home with us. but, then i thought about it. today was a due date. it almost was an approximate date our healthy baby would arrive. but none of that applied to us. our due date has been long forgotten, since the diagnosis. our "healthy baby", i barely knew. no, i am not connected to this day. this is not part of the Carli i knew.

that does not change the fact that i still thought about her. i think about her everyday, but maybe even more today. i thought about her this morning, when Lynzie asked what day it was. (she does that about everyday) and i told her "it's july 1st. Carli's due date." and she asked "what is a due date?" so i thought... and i told her "it's the day the doctor's thought she might be here." and Lynzie thought... and said "but she died. and she is here. she has been here for a while."

and when we left the house this morning, Lillie said "where are all the clouds?" i said "i guess there are no clouds today." and she said "there are no clouds today so Carli can see us from heaven." and the sky stayed perfectly clear and perfectly blue all day. i mean really blue.

 see how blue?

and the sun was shining all day, but it wasn't hot. it was actually very cool. maybe only 70 degrees; i'm not sure.

it was a very pretty day...

for the most part, it was a good day; not at all the day i was dreading. it was just like every other day... i thought about Carli a million times.