back to the specialist

we haven't been to that office since the day we found out Carli's heart had stopped beating. today, we had an appointment to go over all our old test results, and hopefully get some reassurance about this pregnancy and the recurrence of hydrops.


the doctor didn't remember us at first. i guess i don't look the same without 20 extra pounds of pregnancy. he took a few minutes to review my chart, and then sat us down in his office to talk. i was a little disappointed that we weren't getting an ultrasound. i was hoping he would want to check this baby... but i guess he won't unless there's something wrong with it. after all, his specialty is sick babies; and so far, this one is healthy.

his first question for us: "what were you thinking?" what? it's not normal to get pregnant two weeks after a stillbirth? i know the timing is a little shocking. it was even for us. so, we explained that i had gone to my doctor to get birth control, and was told to wait until my period returned before taking it. and my period never returned, so here we are. (he was joking with that question, by the way)

he looked at me and said "how are you doing?" as he tapped his head, meaning "how are you doing mentally?" i told him i was doing "okay"... because i really think i am. i'm grieving normally. then he explained that he thinks the "emotional and mental" problems occur when people get pregnant right away to replace a baby they lost. as he said "they lose their baby and said 'okay we have to hurry up and get pregnant again'." but then he acknowledged that it didn't sound like we fell into that category. we don't. Carli will not be replaced. he said he thought we would be fine, and i think we will too. we will grieve for Carli and cautiously await the arrival of our new baby.

speaking of replacing babies... who does that? who are these people who just "get a new one" when they lose a child? does that really happen? yeah, i'd say mental problems would occur! apparently mental problems were already present for these people. after we lost Carli, it didn't take long for me to start wondering when i could be pregnant again. i want a baby. i didn't think it would happen this soon... i actually thought it would be another year or so (thus the attempted birth control). but, i am happy that it did happen. and i do not think this baby is replacing anything. i still hurt.

as for the hydrops, our doctor was a little upset that we didn't get an autopsy on Carli. it was too expensive, so we couldn't have it done. $2,000 at a day's notice was a little out of our price range. without the autopsy, a lot of disorders could not be ruled out. therefore, we still don't know what happened with Carli, and can't get any better guesses on how likely it is to happen again. he threw various medical terms at us, and listed at least 30 different disorders that could still be the cause of Carli's hydrops. some of them were autosomal recessive (genetic). some of them were multi-factorial (meaning there is a genetic predisposition, but some environmental factors are needed). some of the causes were just random mutations.

as far as the odds... he said 1% chance of recurrence if it was a random mutation. 2% chance if it was multi-factorial. 25% chance if it was autosomal recessive. so we have a range... 1 to 25 percent that this baby will develop hydrops. he said if we make it past 20 or 22 weeks and the baby is healthy, it is unlikely that the hydrops will come back. i don't know how much i believe that. i will be nervous until i hold a screaming baby in my arms. and my doctor knows that. to finish up the appointment he smiled at me and said "now you get to be worried for a long while." yeah. i know i will be. and then he walked us out saying "i hope i don't see you again." as much as i like this doctor, i give that a big "me too". i don't ever want to go back to that office.

on the bright side, our worst statistics give us a 75% chance of a healthy baby. Carli only had a 10% chance, and we had tons of hope for her. i'll take 75%. i'll be nervous, but i'll take it.