the possibility of forgetting

i sometimes wonder about other people and their losses. do other people feel like i do? are there some people that lose babies, and just forget about it? does it matter to them? do some people try to pretend it never happened?




i get a full case history on each of my clients. one client's file stated that the family had a stillbirth at 28 weeks. no one has ever mentioned it, other than the one sentence in the file. it's not a significant part of my client's treatment, so it's not really something i should be concerned about. but, my curiosity gets to me. i want to know.


did they name their baby? get molds of his hands and feet? have pictures taken? do they still think about him? celebrate his birthday? have an urn somewhere in their house, like i do? do they still cry? did they ever?


these thoughts were really initiated when the dad asked me if Eden was my first pregnancy. i said "no. my fourth." he now assumes i have 4 kids at home. and then i noticed that when he talks about his kids, he doesn't include the stillbirth. not that i think it is overly strange. to each their own. i can understand why he wouldn't say "i have 3 kids" when i can clearly see there are only 2 in the house. he doesn't know my situation, so he might not feel comfortable mentioning the 3rd baby. or maybe he forgot about him.


i have wondered for months. what does this family think of the baby they lost? i finally came to the conclusion that the family has a lot to worry about. raising a child with special needs is not easy. they must have just "moved on" from their loss. i assumed they forgot. that is why it has never been mentioned. i guess some people really can just forget, and move on.


and then, in regards to Eden's birth, the dad said "congratulations on all your... good luck. when those things work out... you don't think of it as anything miraculous. but if they don't.... it really sucks. so congratulations." i said "thanks", continued my goodbye to my client, and left.


now, that was a really odd thing to say. why did he say that? "congratulations on your good luck"? who says that? maybe he didn't forget. maybe when he mentioned "things not working out" he was referring to his own loss. i can certainly identify with the "it really sucks" part.


maybe i'm thinking about it too much. damn my curiosity and always wanting to analyze peoples' thoughts and behaviors.