so in love

“mommy, sometimes i don’t feel good enough.”

“what do you mean?”

“well… sometimes i’m sad, because i miss Carli.”

“me too. it’s okay to be sad sometimes.”

“if Carli hadn’t died, would we still have an extra baby?”

“who is the extra baby?”

“Eden.”

“do you like Eden?”

“i like Eden. but i miss Carli.”

“so, would you give up Eden if we could have Carli back?”

“no… but, why couldn’t we have both? i want Carli and Eden.”

“if Carli had lived, there wouldn’t have been enough time to have Eden too.”

“i think you can’t know that, because we didn’t get a chance to see.  so, i think we should pretend we could have both. and i’m going to keep wishing we had Carli, but still could keep Eden too.”
good plan.

i usually feel guilty if i talk about Eden too much; it feels like i'm discounting Carli. if i feel especially thankful for Eden, i must not be missing Carli enough. if i'm in a happy place, i feel guilty for not staying in the pit of grief.


i'm tired of feeling guilty for being happy. i'm tired of avoiding talk about how friggen happy i am with Eden. i'm tired of pretending like she isn't the most awesome thing that has ever happened to me.


it doesn't mean i'm happy Carli is gone. it doesn't mean i don't think about her everyday. it doesn't mean i don't wish she could be here too. it just means that i'm feeling both at the same time. soooo happy to have Eden, yet so sad i had to lose Carli.


i don't care about the realistic view that they couldn't both be here; that Eden wouldn't exist without Carli's death. like Lynzie said, we can't know that. i want them both. i love them both. i'm going to be happy when i'm happy and sad when i'm sad. and i'm not going to feel guilty about it.


at least, i'm going to try not to.


that being said- here are some recent pictures and videos of my awesome, sweet, precious rainbow baby. i love her so much. and the healing she has given me is infinitely priceless.

 ^ she's a couch potato ^