when does it matter?

as mentioned in my last post, i'm wondering when a baby earns a place in a family. when do they count as a family member? certainly if a family loses a grandfather, they don't pretend he never existed... so why does this happen with babies? is it because so many family members never met the baby?
 
when i look at it from the "abortion debate" perspective- life begins at conception. from a scientific perspective- viable life begins at 24 weeks gestation. from a mother's perspective- life (mother-child bond) begins with the two pink lines. all of these perspectives suggest that a baby matters before birth. but, when does the baby matter to the extended family?


my sister lost a baby with an early miscarriage. it was mentioned when it happened, and then never again. as far as i know, my sister doesn't think about this loss on a daily basis, and doesn't count it (it was too early to tell the sex) as one of her children. i would personally think it strange if we did count that baby as a "place" in the family. not that miscarriages don't matter... but it just doesn't seem as significant to me (and i fully realize that may be because of my own experience). however, i do believe Carli should have a place in the family. she is my 3rd daughter; my parent's 10th grandchild.


(side note- i'm only discussing my family in this post, because i think ray's family does include Carli fairly well. i'm not asking for a memorial statue in the front yard, or anything. just some acknowledgment here and there.)


yet, Carli died before she was ever due to be born. she barely made it to the end of the 2nd trimester. i was the only person who ever knew her alive. does that mean she doesn't count? she can't seem real to most other people. at least not nearly as real as she is to me. is that why she's easy to forget? or do they prefer to forget? or is she just a miscarriage to them? if Carli had been born at 26 weeks alive, would that have earned her a place?


i'm not mad at anyone. i'm just trying to understand the perspective. to me, she was so much more than a miscarriage (medically she was beyond the gestation to be considered a miscarriage, by the way). i just wish i could understand how other people see it. what does everyone else think of my pregnancy?