i have come to realize, over the past year, that i will always miss Carli. i will always have one less child than i should have. i will never feel "okay" about that. but, at the same time... i'm used to feeling "not okay". i have gotten used to the "should have been's" and "what if's". it's just part of who i am now.
i have found that i can smile and laugh without feeling guilty. i think that was my biggest hurdle. how could i ever be happy after the loss of my child? well.. here i am. and i do have happy days. and i cannot allow myself to feel guilty forever. i have only recently realized that it's okay to allow myself to be happy again. it doesn't mean i don't love and miss Carli. i do, and i always will.
but, i also have to move on from the darkest parts of my grief. i have a family to care for here, and i think Carli would want to see us smiling.
just after Carli's diagnosis, i was reading about fetal development, and how Carli could probably hear our voices. that little bit of information really got to me. i decided that if she could hear us, i didn't want her to hear us being sad, and crying all the time. she was alive! we needed to be happy. we needed to sing. we needed to laugh. we needed tell her how much we love her. and we did!
the same is true now. Carli wouldn't want to see us sad. she needs to see us smiling, laughing, and loving. she needs to hear singing. she needs to know we are happy. and, we are happy... for the most part, anyway.
letting go of the deepest grief was hard for me, because i was worried it meant we were ready to move on. or that maybe it meant we would forget about Carli. well- that's not the case. forgetting is not possible. moving on is not possible. but- it doesn't mean i have to be sad forever.
there will always be a hole in our family. there will always be one less of everything: first day of school, graduation, wedding, etc. we're always going to think about the one who should have been. she's our little girl. she's not going to be forgotten.
it doesn't get easier. it just becomes more tolerable. it becomes our new normal. the pain doesn't change. our reaction to it does.
3 comments:
you are SO right, forgetting is not an option...Loving them and learning to live again while remembering them is an option and yet some days that can be so hard....
I so agree with your post Katie!! Very well put!!
I lost my daughter in November of 2010 and I completely feel the same way. I still haven't been able to let go of the deepest grief due to my guilt but it's getting better. Thank you for sharing!
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