where i've been: part one

to understand where i am now, you have to first know where i have been.
no amount of words i can write here will fully explain the emotions i have been through over the past 18 months. there have been smiles, laughter, and plenty of tears. it hasn't been easy. no words can fully explain the depth of my sadness, or the height of my happiness. it truly has been a roller coaster.

it's been just over a year since Carli's birthday, but i think our grieving began in january (1 year, 4 months, 2 weeks ago). we found out she was sick on january 29th. we had hope, but we grieved the loss of a normal pregnancy. eventually we realized that we were not likely to bring Carli home. we then began to grieve the loss of our daughter as we planned her birth and memorial - while she was still very much alive.

 

the days after Carli's birth were very numb. i remember feeling like it wasn't real, and it hadn't happened. i was in disbelief. call it shock. call it denial. i had no clue what was going on. sometimes i would sit with my hand on my stomach, and wait for Carli to kick. i thought maybe she was still in there. maybe it was a bad dream.
then again, maybe i was losing my mind. she died. i delivered her. she was gone. why couldn't i accept that?

the physical pain kept me pretty occupied during the first week. my milk came in, and the engorgement was quickly leading to mastitis. luckily, my doctor was able to get me a pump from the hospital to relieve the pressure. i'll never forget when i went to pick up the pump on the postpartum floor of the hospital. we were stuck in the hallway with parents returning their new baby to the nursery. i thought i was going to die on the spot. i've never felt an ache like that. this is when reality set in. these people had a living screaming baby. my baby died. they had something i did not. it was real. she was gone.


the following weeks were my darkest point. the memories are blurry. i cried. i slept. i rarely left the bed. thankfully my dad was around to help get Lynzie to and from school. he also brought bags of snacks, which the girls loved. i know i forgot to make lunch more than a few times. with Ray's help, they at least got dinner. i'll admit, i was useless.


during this time i was also exposed to several pregnant people. i was angry. i felt cheated. i felt insanely jealous. i know they looked at me and thought "thank God it was her and not me." and i looked at them and thought "why me and not them?" i wished with everything in me that i could switch places with anyone. i see now that these were extremely unhealthy thoughts, that bred a lot of anger in me.


from the moment we found out Carli was sick, i dreaded the birth of my niece. here was my sister-in-law, smoking for her entire pregnancy, and carrying a perfectly healthy baby. why couldn't her baby be the sick one? why me? i had taken care of myself. i had followed all the rules, and my baby had to die. everytime i saw my sister in law, i couldn't help but think "it should be you". i hated her. i hated her baby. it's terrible, i know.


my niece was born just a few days shy of a month after Carli's birth. i slapped on my fake smile, and i went to visit my brother, and his new baby. because, "that's what normal people do". this was a huge turning point for me. i held her. i touched her soft hair. i left her fingers wrap around mine. it was like someone turned the sunlight on again. i wasn't angry. i didn't hate this baby.


i thought seeing her would make me sad. i thought it would be a reminder of the baby i didn't have... but she wasn't. she was a different baby. she was cute, but she was not Carli. she didn't cause the huge emptiness i thought she would. it really was okay.


after that visit, i started to throw myself into more productive things. i started my march of dimes team, and started making plans for a memorial garden. in the midst of all the fund raising, and garden planning, i felt alive again. things weren't so hopeless anymore. Carli's death was going to mean something. it was going to matter, and have a tangible effect somewhere. i raised over 1,000 dollars in just over a week for team Carli Hope. it was awesome.

after our walk, i took a home pregnancy test. i wasn't having any symptoms. my regular cycle hadn't even returned yet. it was just a feeling. and, my feeling was right. it was an immediate positive. i was so happy. it was exciting to know that we had again created a new life.

the excitement was short lived. i began to worry night and day that something was going to go wrong. and not to mention the guilt. if i was happy about this pregnancy, was i also happy that Carli had died? after all, pregnancy would not have been possible without the death of Carli.

to say the pregnancy was stressful would be an understatement. i worried about everything. i worried if i didn't have something to worry about. and the constant conflicting emotions... i can't even begin to explain. i was happy and sad. i was excited and scared. i was everything i could possibly be all at once.


my next hurdle was extremely unexpected. the birth of Ray's niece and nephew. we went to visit his sister in the hospital. i was fine when we were walking in. excited even. once the hospital smell hit me, it took me right back. why hadn't i realized that the last time i was in a hospital room was when Carli was born? why didn't i think of this before we got to the hospital?


the room. the IVs. the monitors. the excited talk of babies from Ray and his family. i couldn't stop the flood of thoughts: "this is  how Carli's birth could have been". i thought i was going to have a major breakdown right in the recovery room.


the babies were in the NICU, so we didn't get to see them right away. on our way out of the hospital, Ray's parents decided to go "peek" at the babies. i managed to let Ray know i wasn't ready. he didn't ask questions. i guess he knew i was freaking out about something. we just went home.


i hadn't even thought to prepare myself. i really thought i was going to be okay. that's how this grief stuff goes. it sneaks up when you least expect it. i'm glad we got to see the babies later. i really had a lot of crying to do.


it took me a while to get over the things i didn't know were going to bother me. i had to replay the images of Ray and his parents holding the babies over and over in my head. i had to tell myself over and over that these were the things that no one was going to get to do with Carli. seeing Ray smiling, and holding a baby was one of the most painful things about last year. i had to let it hurt. i had to get over it. and, eventually i did.

the holidays were rough. lots of baby pictures in the mail. lots of "baby's first" whatever bibs and onesies on our friends' kids. it was a vivid reminder that Carli was not here for her first holidays. it was painful to know that we would spend our first christmas in our new home with one child less than we should have. no excited squeals. no attempts to eat the wrapping paper. she wasn't going to be here. ever.

i think the holidays were a second dark period for me. i just functioned in survival mode for a few weeks. again, the memories are blurry.