the next phase of my journey started with Eden's impending birth. i was a nervous wreck. i felt like i was going to make it all the way to delivery, and then find out she was dead. another silent baby. that's what was going to happen, because for some reason, that's what i deserved. i had decided i was being punished, and Carli's death was not enough.
it was during this phase that i was focused mainly on Eden, and not Carli. this was the first time since Carli was born that my life didn't revolve around her death, and my grief. i was honestly worried about this new baby that i had worked so hard to stay detached from. by they way, that didn't work. as much as i didn't want to love Eden (because i thought it would protect me if something went wrong) i knew i loved her, and wanted her more than anything.
my paranoia sent us to the hospital several times. non-stress tests, ultrasounds, measurements, heart rate checks... you name it, i did it. several times. everything that could go wrong during the last trimester, i thought was happening, and went to the doctor to get it checked.
but i also worried what it was going to be like if she did live. i had spent so much time worrying about Eden dying... that i forgot to imagine life with a baby. would i be able to handle her birth? or would i break down and officially lose my mind? would i be honestly insane? did i secretly think Eden was Carli? (i didn't... but i had to ask myself, just to be sure.)
by 40 weeks 5 days, i was at my wits end. i hadn't slept. i was constantly worrying about the placenta failing (because that starts to happen after the due date) and the rates of stillbirth going up. i practically begged my doctor for an induction, which she agreed to do.
Eden's birth was a bumpy road. she started out in the wrong position, which meant emergency c-section. thankfully she adjusted herself. contractions stalled, but changing my position seemed to get them going again. Eden's heart rate dropped, which require an internal monitor (in her scalp). we eventually discovered that her umbilical cord was wrapped around her body, and she was cutting off her own oxygen and blood flow. luckily an amnio-infusion was able to take some pressure off the cord, and that complication was fixed. the actual labor and delivery was quite easy. and, given all the intervention that was needed, i am so glad i pushed for an induction. i guess a living baby was in the plans for us.
once Eden was born, i just wanted to hear her scream. it was such an awesome contrast to the silent delivery of Carli. i cried and she cried, and it was awesome.
the first weeks with Eden were hard. i was forced to dig up a lot of emotions with Carli. i had to face all the things i missed out on. i had to watch Ray really become a dad. Carli was his first, but he never got the chance to change her, feed her, rock her... all his first experiences were with his second born. that was hard to think about.
and again, the guilt resurfaced. i found myself snuggling with Eden, and becoming so wrapped up in the joy of having a baby... i hadn't cried about Carli in days. how could i have done that? was she not important anymore? i worried that Eden would cause everyone to forget about Carli, including me.
imagine being pulled in two different directions at once. that was me. stuck between missing Carli and enjoying Eden. i desperately tried to balance the two.
it was while doing Eden's birth announcements that i had another turning point in my journey. i was trying to figure out how to include Carli. i tried several different wordings: "welcomed by Ray, Katie, Lynzie, Lillie, and Carli" or "welcomed by Ray, Katie, and her big sisters". then it hit me. this was Eden's announcement. Carli did not need to be included. people could think of Carli if they wanted. they could acknowledge that Eden is our "rainbow after the storm" if they felt like it... but the announcement was for Eden. Eden was the focus.
as much as i didn't want Carli to be forgotten, i had to stop forcing her into things. Eden cannot always be "Carli's little sister". she is her own person. she is Eden, independent of Carli. this separation also helped me work out a lot of my guilt. Eden is not here because of Carli's death. she is here because she was created just like any other baby. as much as i want to remember Carli, i also want Eden to have her own place in our family. none of my children will live in the shadow of anyone.
we have our special things for Carli- the garden, the march of dimes walk, her birthday. most importantly- no matter what we do or don't do... Carli could never be forgotten. my girls won't forget. i won't forget. Ray won't forget.
0 comments:
Post a Comment