new job, birthday party, and mother's day

i have been away from my blog for a few days, because i started a new job on thursday. i've been job searching since before i graduated... well over a year. i've been pretty disappointed with the jobs i have found using my degree (psychology) so i decided to go back to the jobs i worked while still in college. i'm now a proud employee of a daycare. i went to college for 5 years, put myself in a significant amount of debt, and i now work for minimum wage wiping snotty noses and saying "out of the sandbox, please!" great.

this job is only temporary. just some extra money, for now... i just keep telling myself that to get me through the day. seriously, i will get into grad school, and i will eventually find a job that is worth my time. when i interviewed for the job, the director asked how many kids i had, so i hesitated for a moment. i thought... i want to say 3. here's my chance to claim Carli. but i knew she was asking because she wanted to know how many kids i would want to bring to work with me. if i said 3, i would have to explain (now or later) where the 3rd kid was. so... "i have one in school, and one that stays home with me." i didn't lie...

i haven't mentioned Carli at work, yet. i don't know when/if i will. daycare employees can be very catty women, so i naturally don't want to trust them. god forbid, i show any weakness... they will eat me alive. but, maybe someday, if i get close to any of them, i'll talk about Carli. i half expect my first catty-encounter will be on wednesday when i have to show up late after my postpartum doctor visit. that may just be the day i talk about Carli at work. we will see.

Lynzie had a birthday party to go to yesterday. her friend at school turned 6, and invited Lynzie and 3 other girls to her house for a tea party. Lynzie goes to a private school. her friends are the children of doctors and lawyers. all the women are stay-at-home moms. i feel out of place anytime i have to deal with these people. everything in me wanted to avoid this party... but Lynzie wanted to go so bad. so, we took her. ray is good at BSing with the other parents, so i'm glad he accompanies me to these things.

after the party was over, we stood with the adults while the kids played... BSing the minutes away. the girl's dad (an OBGYN at the same practice i went to with Carli) said that Lynzie had mentioned she had a baby sister. i guess he wanted to know where this baby sister was... and i guess Lynzie didn't feel like mentioning she is dead. so, ray took the liberty of explaining that one. he said some stuff like "there was a baby. we lost her. she had hydrops." the doctor shook his head. said he was sorry to hear that. wishes they could explain why... blah blah blah. i just stood there... looking off into the distance, trying not to cry.

a few minutes later, the doctor's wife asks me the same thing. "Lynzie said she had a baby sister that isn't even one yet... ?" so, i answered: "yes, but we lost her." awkward silence follows. oops. sorry for ruining the party. i think her husband handled it a lot better, but i guess he's used to it. other than that one awkward moment, the party wasn't so bad, and i'm glad Lynzie got to go. she had lots of fun.

so, today is mother's day. this is probably the crappiest one i've had so far. i can't help but think about the child i'm missing today. Lynzie made me a ton of stuff at school. pictures, cards, books... i love them all. and, i can't wait to get crafts from Lillie when she starts school. but, i'll never see any cards from Carli. everything is laced with a bit of sting today. i miss her so much.

my favorite gift is a book Lynzie made for me. the last page says "i want to thank you, mom, for..." and Lynzie wrote "make my sistr" (making my sister) then she drew a picture of two little girls standing beside a bed with a very pregnant woman laying down. so cute. it feels good to be appreciated.