i did it!

my new niece was born april 24th (last saturday). the anticipation of her birth, so soon after losing Carli, was like torture. i even avoided my very pregnant sister-in-law during the time after Carli's birth. i didn't invite my brother and his wife to Carli's memorial. i quickly ended my visits with my parents when my brother and his wife showed up. i have been so worried about meeting this baby.

i mean, how would i feel seeing a newborn? what if my brother wanted me to hold her? i just felt like the whole experience would be depressing, and awkward. not to mention, the excited talk from the rest of my family was like nails on a chalkboard. i guess i didn't want to hear anything about babies, or happiness.

last sunday, some of my family was going to the hospital to visit. i dodged that one, thanks to my mom. i told her i didn't think i wanted to visit in the hospital just yet. (by the way, this is the same hospital where i delivered Carli.) she simply said "that's understandable. can we take the girls?" so, i had my parents take Lynzie and Lillie to meet their new cousin, but i stayed home.

at some point, i began to feel a little bit of guilt. i didn't want my brother to think i was angry at him, his wife, or his baby. so, ray and i bought a card and gift certificate for the new baby. i wrote that i couldn't wait to meet the new addition, and to call me if they needed anything. i stuck the card in their front door, so they could see it when they got home from the hospital. then, i decided to send him a text to let him know i left it. he thanked me, and said i could come over anytime to meet the baby. i told him to call me when they got home, got settled, and felt ready for visitors.

he called yesterday around 3. i told him we would come over after dinner. thankfully, ray was home early yesterday. i had been worried he would miss the visit, and i did not want to do that alone. so, at about 7 we went to my brother's house.

walking up to the door, i saw my brother standing in his living room, holding his new baby. he looked happy. the first thing he said was "wanna hold her?" yep, there it was; those words i had been dreading... but somehow, they didn't seem so bad. so, i held her. i looked at her little hands and feet. i petted her soft hair. i asked normal new-baby questions. "how much does she weigh? what time was she born?" it wasn't depressing. i didn't cry. little evalynn is a very sweet baby. i held her for a while, until she got hungry. we stayed and visited for over and hour. it wasn't nearly as bad as i thought it would be. it wasn't bad at all.

i came to the realization that new babies don't upset me... because i don't want their baby. i want mine.