postpartum doctor visit

i had my very last Carli-related appointment yesterday; my postpartum check-up. the purpose of this appointment was to give me the results of the placenta tests we had done, and to check my physical and mental health in relation to "healing" from the birth.


it was a very stressful day, waiting for the appointment. i didn't know what results i would get back, if any. i didn't know how much of a pain the stupid nurses would be (they have a wonderful lack of tact). when i checked in, they gave me the typical info sheet i have to fill out. ya know, name, age, diseases, history... blah blah blah. under reason for visit, i wrote "postpartum visit". then i sat a minute, and thought... they're going to say something to make me cry. so i wrote beside it "stillbirth" and i even underlined it.

the nurse calls me back, and in the hallway says "now, how often are you nursing the baby?" ugh- seriously?! not again. "we lost the baby." then she says "oh i'm so sorry. ya know the same thing happened to me once, and i just felt so bad when i had to tell people, because i knew it made them feel bad." i cringed at the way she said "i had the same thing happen to me once". like it was a broken toenail or something. i just looked at her. she left, and never came back.

then the doctor came in, and asked a few questions about how i was doing, and other questions which basically meant "are you losing your mind? do you want to kill yourself? should we put you on antidepressants?" if you know me, you know my opinion on psychiatric medications. i'm sure they work fine, but i'm a big fan of therapy, and learning to cope. not avoiding the issues. i told her i had ups and downs, but nothing seemed abnormal. which it doesn't. i eat, sleep, and function just fine- i just cry sometimes.

i mentioned the test  results to the doctor, and she looked at me like she had no idea what i was talking about. oh here we go. they didn't do the tests. they lost the placenta. they forgot about me. i rolled my eyes, and said "the placenta was sent to UVA, could you please find out if the tests were even done?" she left to make some phone calls.

when she came back, she said she didn't find out anything. the hospital pathology department was going to call her back on her cell, which she then put in the table in the exam room. i thought that was pretty cool. she was going to take that call with me in the room. she was going to wait with me.

she did some other exam stuff, asked a few more questions... everything about me is healthy. i healed just fine, and can have more babies whenever we decide to. definitely a good thing to hear, since i was being paranoid that she was going to tell me i had cancer or something. i have no logical reason to think that... i just come up with the worst possible scenario with everything now. (i thought lynzie had leukemia.) after losing a baby, i think the world is a little scary. you realize how quickly everything can go so wrong; how quickly you can lose someone. i worry about my kids more than i ever have before. while i'm at work, i think oh god- what if they got in a car wreck today and no one told me yet?!? it's not logical thinking at all. it's paranoia. it's my loss of innocence.

anyway- the doctor's phone finally rang. she "mm-hmed" and "uh-huhed" for a few minutes, and then flipped her phone shut. a 4 year silence followed.. okay i'm exaggerating, but that's what it felt like. the test results came back all clear. no genetic problems. my future babies should be as healthy as my older girls. Carli's illness was "a spontaneous thing" as the doctor said. she said the chances of hydrops happening again are very slim....

slim chances huh? how likely was it to happen the first time? not likely. but it did. slim chances don't always work in my favor. i'm glad they didn't find anything with the tests, but i hate that i still don't know answers. if they don't know the cause how can they tell me it won't happen again?! tell me what i did wrong, so i won't do it again!! ugh. i got no closure with those results, and those are the last ones i get.

i will forever wonder what happened to my sweet Carli. she had a healthy heart, healthy brain, healthy lungs, good growth, no metabolic disorders, no chromosomal abnormalities, no viruses... but still that damn fluid. and no reason why. it was just a spontaneous thing.