two months

it's hard to believe it has been 2 months since we said goodbye. in some ways it seems like only yesterday. in other ways it seems like a lifetime ago.


there are days that i feel as if i am healing quite well. maybe a little too well. i feel guilty that i no longer cry everyday. i don't usually cry when i talk about Carli anymore. there are times it feels as if losing Carli happened to a different person. maybe i'm going crazy. maybe i'm exhausted from everything else in my life. i don't know.

then there are times when i sit and think. i can recall almost every detail of the day we heard Carli's heart was no longer beating. i can certainly remember the entire process of her birth nearly 4 days later. and those memories still bring tears to my eyes.

i can talk about her diagnosis. i can tell people what happened to Carli. they say something like "i bet that was so hard" and i can see them searching my face for some sign of pain or grieving. but, they don't find it. those are the times i feel it happened to someone else. i don't feel connected to medical terms, and test results. they won't find my pain in those conversations. although, i always nod my head, and say "it isn't easy." and i mean it.

but, my pain lies in the memories of holding her. the way she looked; the way she smelled; her little dress; her little bracelet... the memories of watching ray become a dad, and losing it all in such a short time. those are the things that make me ache for Carli. the things i don't talk about. the things i don't even think about unless i'm alone.

sometimes i think i'm getting over losing Carli, but then i realize that there is no "getting over it". i will have this pain forever. i can get through the unbearable grief, and sobbing uncontrollably... but the beautiful memories will probably always bring tears to my eyes.

i still miss Carli.