some thoughts on termination

when we first found out Carli's diagnosis, the topic of termination came up several times in our thoughts and discussions. i would be lying if i said i didn't seriously consider it. at the time, carrying a baby knowing i probably wouldn't keep her was the scariest thought i've ever had. after having two healthy babies, i could imagine nothing worse than losing a child i loved so much. i had read stories from mothers who had lost children. that type of pain seemed like too much for me to handle. how could i not think it would be better to just end the pregnancy, before i "really got to know her"?

"her"... before the diagnosis, i didn't even know she was a girl. before the diagnosis, i hadn't thought about what we would name her. i didn't know her. i wanted to know her. more than anything, i wanted to know her. with some support and encouragement from some wonderful ladies, i decided to let Carli fight. not knowing if the pain would be too much to handle, i chose to get to know Carli before i had to let her go. we named her, we talked to her, we prayed for her. we loved her more than we ever imagined we could; all the time knowing... she might not get to come home with us.

the experience was not easy. it was not always happy. but, i am so glad i chose to carry her. i had some of the most beautiful moments of my life, while carrying Carli. she changed me in ways i cannot even begin to describe. i think Carli made me a better person, and a better mother. i never could have guessed that i would learn so much from a person i never actually met.

before Carli, my thoughts on abortion were strict. black and white thoughts. abortion is wrong. abortion is murder. it's like i was reciting pro-life propaganda. now, my thoughts on abortion are much more blurry. after having been in the situation where i had to answer that horrible question from our doctor "so what do you want to do?"... i can never again think of all terminations as murder. it is a personal decision, that some parents have to make. i chose to carry my baby for as long as i could, but i realize the decision is not for everyone. and, no matter what the decision is, the journey is not easy. it is heartbreaking no matter what.

i still have strong views on abortion as birth control. nothing can make me more angry than to hear about someone terminating a perfectly healthy pregnancy... especially after knowing so many mothers had to endure the heartbreak of losing a very wanted pregnancy.

 it is disturbing to me to read about parents choosing termination over carrying to term. i don't feel angry so much as disappointed. i know they feel the decision is best for them, but i wish i could share the beauty of my experience. i wish i could change someone's mind about giving their baby every bit of life it is meant to have. i guess it makes me sad to know that some parents don't realize that carrying a baby to term is still an option. even if the baby will most likely die, it is still an option. i am so glad someone shared this option with me... i don't know how things would have turned out if i hadn't known. i don't know what guilt and questions i would have today, if i had not given Carli the life she was meant to have.