oh to be naive again

on paper, i am a perfect example of obstetrical health. i have normal, regular periods. i have uncomplicated pregnancies, and two healthy babies. i have no history of any diseases. i don't drink. i don't smoke. i have never had a problem getting pregnant. i have never even had a miscarriage. i carry babies full term, and have normal easy deliveries.

and for these reasons, i hate going to the doctor. they ask me all the questions about my history, and my family history, and i sit there sounding like a broken record "no. no. no. no. no..." and every single time, i wonder... what happened with Carli?

i know all these questions are to assess the current risks to me and my pregnancy, but what good do they do if they can't predict anything? all my tests came back normal with Carli. i answered all the questions, and seemed like the perfect candidate to carry a healthy baby. and then, something happened.

i guess it's just frustrating to know that i will never know what happened. my seemingly "perfect medical history" failed to predict that i would be the one to lose a baby.

with any group of women who are pregnant at the same time (say a birth board on babycenter) the group is assured to lose some members along the way. with a group that large, it's like a picture of statistics. the group will loose several in the beginning. phrases like "blighted ovum", "missed miscarriage", and "chemical pregnancy" pop up almost daily. and slowly... they begin to taper off, with fewer and fewer lost babies. then in the middle of the pregnancies come the "fatal diagnosis", "premature birth", and "cord accident" phrases.

when i was still carrying Carli, but after i knew her diagnosis, i would watch these posts about babies being lost, or born too soon. i would tell ray that they were all going so quickly, and i hoped i wasn't next. it felt like some kind of lottery that no one wants to win. who is it going to be? it has to be someone. we won't all get take home babies. then it was my turn. i was just another phrase on the birth board. "fetal hydrops"... that was me, and everyone else continued on.

as it nears july, i expect to see a ton of baby announcements. unlike the naive members still carrying, i also expect to see a few stillbirth posts. probably not many, but there is bound to be a few. i hate myself for being so morbid... it's just another example of my changed thinking. i can't be shocked when someone's pregnancy turns down that dark path. it's bound to happen to someone.

again, i find myself wishing i could just be normal. all pregnancies end in happy chubby babies. no child ever actually dies. mothers don't really feel that empty spot in their lives. their arms don't ache to hold the child they lost. why can't i be so naive?