what it's like

i feel like i'm in a weird place right now... emotionally. i feel like i'm stuck between Carli and the new baby. if i'm happy, i feel guilty. maybe i'm not giving Carli the tears she deserves. if i'm sad, i feel guilty. maybe i'm not appreciating the new baby as much as i should. i'm just really not sure how i'm supposed to feel.

i still have good days and bad days. i would say things are getting slightly easier. i miss Carli like crazy, and think about her everyday. i don't cry as much as i used to, but there are still things that get the tears going. this new pregnancy hasn't really affected the whole grieving process. except, i worry that people will expect it to change things. i worry people will see the new baby as a "replacement"... when really it's something totally different.

as for the new pregnancy... how do i feel about it? well, i feel super excited and i feel super scared. i think losing Carli gave me a new perspective on birth and life. it's like i'm carrying something far more precious than i ever have before. yet at the same time, i'm carrying a ticking time bomb. will this pregnancy end in a healthy baby? will something bad happen before i make it to term? i feel like i'm toxic sometimes. like i'm "walking on eggshells" hoping my body doesn't turn against this baby; even if it didn't with Carli... i guess i still feel responsible. i just want to grow this one healthy, and i'm not sure i can.

i'm back to where i was with Carli... desperately hoping for a heartbeat at the next appointment.