something about today

today was not a good day. it's been one of those rough days. the kind where i just want to go back to bed. only, bed isn't so comforting anymore either. for the past two nights, i've been having nightmares.


the first nightmare, i woke up (but not really) and told ray "she's dead." and i meant the new baby. i didn't know why i thought she was dead, just that she was. and i was sure of it. then i actually woke up with a horrible cramping pain. (hopefully just growing pains, right?!)

the second nightmare was a lot like the first. i woke up (but not really) and told ray the baby was "gone". he looked worried, and asked if i wanted to go to the doctor, which we did. the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat, and i was told i would miscarry in a few days. then i had the horrible cramping again and actually woke up. i don't have any cramping during the day, or anytime other than during these dreams. it's really disturbing.

on top of all that, i have to go see the specialist soon. the one we saw with Carli. he will probably do our next ultrasound. and ray probably won't be there. i guess maybe i'm concerned that i'll have to hear the "no heartbeat" news again, and this time i'll be all alone. an hour from home. that has to be the reason for the dreams... i hope.

aside from all that worry, we got some new kids at the daycare today. so, as if work wasn't stressful enough, add 12 new kids. oh, and by the way, one little girl is named Carli. i honestly didn't think it would bother me... but everytime i had to say her name, it felt so weird. "Carli, are you finished with your snack? Carli, please don't do that. Carli, do you need help?" and then the other kids: "Carli, come play! look at this Carli!" it was like i could not get away from this little girl's name. it was echoing in my head. along with thoughts like these are things i will never say to my Carli.

i can't really explain why it bothered me, but i had to compose myself more than once. i felt like i was going to have a nervous breakdown. that is my daughter's name. why couldn't she have a different name? she is insanely cute. she's a kid i could really end up liking. i could eventually consider her one of my "favorites"... but hearing her name just kills me. i can't even look at her without thinking what would my Carli have been like at 2 years old?