a rainbow after the storm

there it is. our tiny baby bean, with a heartbeat at 155 beats per minute.

we hadn't expected to get pregnant so quickly, but it had been discussed and greatly hoped for. i guess i was just thinking it might take some time. so here we are... expecting our rainbow on (or around) january 16th.

i'm beyond excited. probably more excited than i have been with any previous pregnancy. i still grieve for Carli, and still miss her more than words can describe. no baby could ever take her place, and i hope no one sees it that way. but, this baby does brighten my days. i anticipate a baby in my arms will make Carli's birthday a little easier (although i could be wrong). more than anything, though, i am excited to have a healthy baby. one i can raise with ray. we can feed, change, and snuggle it. i hope.

more than the excitement, i have an overwhelming fear. i fear we will lose another baby to hydrops. we never found what made Carli so sick, so we can't know if it will happen again. the doctor told us Carli's death was "most likely a fluke" but labeled this a high risk pregnancy anyway. not only do i worry about hydrops, but i worry about ancephaly, congenital heart defects, triploidy, trisomies, turner's syndrome, and everything else that could possibly come up halfway through an otherwise healthy pregnancy. not to mention my fear of an unexplained (and fairly common) miscarriage. i just want to be normal again.

so, i suppose i will be paranoid until january... or whenever the fate of this pregnancy is known for sure.

aside from all that worry- - - yayy!! i'm pregnant!!!