lost

i've been thinking about the words and phrases commonly used when someone's child dies; things like "loss". i think it is so strange because these phrases pop up in every single story, including my own.

loss. i will not ever forget the moment this word entered my world. i was leaving the perinatal specialist office. i didn't need to stop at the desk, because i wouldn't be making another appointment. i walked straight for the door, head down, holding back tears. i could see two or three nurses (but i didn't make eye contact). they were standing together, watching me leave. surely, they all knew what had just happened during that ultrasound. as i walked by, one nurse quietly said "i'm sorry for your loss." i didn't respond; just walked out.


loss. i remember it echoing in my head after we left. i just kept repeating it over and over: loss. i'm "sorry for your loss." it sounded so strange. i didn't "lose" Carli. she was still in me. i knew exactly where she was. i lose my keys. i lose my jacket. i do not lose my kid.


over the next weeks and months, "loss" slipped its way into my vocabulary. i would say "after we lost Carli". i would even tell other moms "i'm so sorry for the loss of your baby". i don't have any better way to say those phrases. "death" seems too morbid. you can't say "i'm so sorry your baby is dead". it doesn't sound as caring and gentle as "loss".


i guess "loss" is the nice way to refer to death; especially the death of a child. it's our way of avoiding the pain of what really happened. Carli didn't die. i lost her. she is misplaced, and one day i will find her again. i think each time i use the word, i will think of the day it entered my life. and i will always think it sounds strange.