my greatest accomplishment

i found out i was pregnant with Lynzie when i was 16 years old. i knew it was going to be hard to be the mom she needed me to be, but i knew i could do it. i enrolled in my first semester of college just after my 17th birthday- and i was 3 months pregnant. i moved into my own apartment 2 months later; i paid bills, made dinner, took care of my family, and grew up quick. Lillie was born two years later, and things didn't get any easier. but, i knew i could do it.

i enrolled every semester, kept going to class, and finally finished my degree 5 years later. there were times college was hard. i was a teenager, i had two kids, and their dad was not much help (it was actually like trying to raise 3 kids). but, i knew i could do it.


i never had any doubts that i could be a good mom, and finish college. it never occurred to me that these were impossible things. it never crossed my mind to just give up. by the age of 22, i had two kids, my own house, my own car, and a college degree. given the circumstances i put myself into, i think i did pretty well. i anticipate graduate school, my career, future children, and anything else i decide to do will go the same way.


so my greatest accomplishment? Carli is my greatest accomplishment. i have been through a lot, but i never imagined being able to handle the loss of a child. the unexpected pregnancy with Carli did not phase me one bit; the diagnosis shook me, weakened me, and nearly broke me.


i already knew her. i already excitedly anticipated her birth, her childhood, her entire life. i pictured how she would fit in with her big sisters, and how excited they would be to meet her. i had made plans for Carli. i couldn't turn my back on my baby.


and if she happened to not survive? the odds were against her. for a long time, i did not accept the possibility that she could die. i couldn't handle that. how could i carry a baby, deliver her, and say goodbye to her? i didn't think i could be that kind of mom. i wanted to give up. after all i had been through, this one thing seemed to difficult to handle.


but, i wanted to give Carli a chance. i wanted to know her. i don't know how i got through each day. i don't know how i didn't lose my mind. towards the end of my pregnancy, i knew Carli was not going to survive. her condition was getting worse. i could tell she was giving up her fight. but, i wasn't ready to admit what i already knew.


i finally had to prepare to meet Carli when the ultrasound showed her heart had stopped. i had no choice but to deliver my stillborn baby. again, i didn't think i could do it. i didn't think i could survive through something like this.


after i delivered Carli, i had an overwhelming sense of pride and accomplishment. i was not sad. i remember smiling, and feeling good- despite the fact that the baby in my arms was not breathing. i had accomplished something. i carried Carli. i gave her the chance to survive. i delivered her without much complication. but, most of all, the experience changed me.


i think meeting Carli made me a better mother. i hugged my kids a little tighter and  i gained a little more patience and understanding. Carli created a very unique bond between ray and me. we have something together that we don't have with anyone else. we loved and lost our little girl in a heartbreaking and beautiful experience. it brought us all closer together, and made life seem that much more important.


we chose to do the impossible.