Carli's birthday

it sounds morbid to call this kind of birthday a "celebration". but, it was a celebration. as hard as it might be to imagine, the day Carli was born was a happy day and it is worth celebrating. just like any parents, we were happy to meet her. we were excited to see who she looked like. we wanted to hold the baby we had been bonding with over the past few months. of course, the day still had sadness, because she was already gone. but, it wasn't all tears as some would think.

i was worried this anniversary might be a sad one. not because of remembering Carli, but because of the celebration itself. i was worried i would be celebrating alone; worried it would be painfully obvious that everyone had forgotten her.


we drove to west virginia on friday, to celebrate Carli's birthday on saturday. we stayed with my mom. i woke up on saturday morning, and immediately talked to ray about a dream i had (because i didn't want to forget!) we have been planning to plant a tree at our house, for Carli. over the past few weeks i have been imagining different positions in our yard. there isn't really a good place to put Carli's tree... well, then i had this dream that i was rearranging the bricks beside Carli's memorial garden. i made a little box for Carli's tree, and it looked awesome. sooo... in real life, that would be a perfect solution. rearrange the bricks. i hate that bricked area anyway. i told ray about it, and asked if it sounded like something that we could do. and hopefully, it is what we will end up doing. unfortunately, we didn't get to plant Carli's tree for her birthday. for one thing, we were out of town. for another thing, the nursery didn't get the japanese maples in until yesterday. (the tree choice is another story for another time).


so, anyway- saturday morning, we stayed in bed for a bit. i looked up the cake recipe, so i could send ray to the store for some things. then i realized i didn't bring a mixer for the cake. i asked my mom if she had one, which of course she said she didn't know (i automatically take this answer as "no i don't have one. if i do it's from the 60's and it's broken"). ray said "does your mom seriously never cook?" haha!! seriously... she doesn't. that's why she has no clue what kind of cooking stuff they have... my dad is the cook. i told ray the only good thing my mom could cook was a german food (liederkranz bread). it takes her about 5 hours to make it, so it's not an everyday thing. but it tastes so good! my siblings and i always requested it on our birthdays. she couldn't tell us no on a birthday! so, it kind of became a birthday tradition, and she only made it on those occasions. 


i finished drooling over memories of my birthday dinners, and sent ray off to the store. i was talking to my mom, and she said "so, i was thinking of making liederkranz today." wow! totally crazy, because i was JUST telling ray about those. she said i must have been thinking really hard, because it just "popped" in her head to make them. i think it was her way of acknowledging Carli's birthday, which really meant a lot to me.


when ray got back from the store, we all headed out to do Carli's balloon release. Lynzie and Lillie made birthday cards, and we tied those to the balloons. luckily, it was a cold cloudy day, and the park we chose for the release wasn't too busy. i'm just so glad it didn't rain! 

this is Lillie's card. it's Carli, with 2 hearts.

 Lynzie's card: 

"to: Carli from: L and S (Lillie and Savannah) 

dear Carli, happy birthday. we really miss you. 

we wish you were here. hugs and kisses."

the other side had a picture of an angel.

walking to release the balloons.

finding a good spot.

i put a balloon in Eden's hand to release.

it was so cute, the way she grasped the ribbon,

and then let it slip from her chubby little fingers.

 watching the balloons go up.

there they go. all three.

this one got stuck in a tree, 

but we assured the girls that the wind would blow it out.

we didn't stay to watch.

after the balloon release, we went to visit my sister and her new baby. we stayed there about 2 hours. i miss my sister. and her baby is adorable. i know it's only been 2 months, but wow- i didn't realize newborns slept so much!! i also borrowed a mixer from her, to make Carli's cake. :)

anyway- we got back to my mom's, and had a good birthday dinner. mmmm!! we also got the recipe from my mom, so if i ever feel the urge to spend my day in the kitchen... i can make it too! yeah... right...

after dinner, i started to make Carli's angel food cake. i wanted to make it with the girls, but they had other interests (their cousin) and i ended up making it alone. oh well. it turned out a lot better than i thought it would. i broke the cake dumping it out of the pan, which was the only mistake. i surprisingly didn't burn it, and it tasted awesome!! 

so, that was it. that's how we celebrated Carli's birthday. i was in a surprisingly good mood all day. it was hard not to dwell on the things i "should" be doing. i thought about the baby she could have been... but i think i'm beginning to be okay with how things are now. i'm always going to miss her. i'm always going to wish i could have kept her here with me. but, for now... i'm feeling "ok".