ugh

just 5 days until the one year anniversary of the worst day of my life. i've been trying not to think about it, because it's really dragging me down. i mean- it's horribly depressing. 


for some reason, facebook now has a thing that randomly pops up on the right side called "memorable status updates". it's just random status updates from random friends at random times. only, mine aren't so random. the first one that caught my eye was ray's sister's that said "RIP baby Carli <3" on march 22, 2010. i guess i was in my own little world during that time, because i missed the original posting. it was new to me. and, of course it didn't help my "trying not to think about it" thing. i cried, as usual. 

then, i saw another one today. ray's: "C.H.E. 3-26-10 all she ever knew was love". i do remember that one. i don't remember the comments on it. so, of course i had to go read it. one of the first comments was from a girl ray used to date that said something like "these things happen for a reason... even if you can't see it now."


&@#$! things happen for a reason? who says that to someone that just lost their child? what could possibly be the reason our baby had to die? i'm glad i didn't see that a year ago, because i would have surely said something. you just don't say that. it's like a kick in the face to grieving parents. 


even now, looking back on it all... and fully realizing that Eden would not be here without the death of Carli...  i can't comfort myself with "it happened for a reason". i've tried.

okay, back to avoiding the reality of the upcoming anniversaries. or, trying to. dear facebook, please stop taunting me.