A Letter to Carli

Dear Carli,


Today marks one year since I held you in my arms. Sometimes my memories are vividly fresh; as if they happened yesterday. I try to cling to every detail. You were so tiny; barely any weight in my arms at all. Tiny nose, tiny ears, tiny hands, and tiny toes. You were a miniature version of perfect. I hope I never forget anything about my short time with you.


You taught me more about being a mother than I have learned in the past 7 years. You taught me what it truly means to be selfless. You taught me that a mother can give things she didn't know she had, and can endure things she never knew she could endure. You changed me. You made me a better mom. You made me a better friend. You made me a better me. Thank you for being such a huge part of my life.


The days have been slipping away, and all of the sudden it has been a year since we said goodbye. A year already? A year further from you? I wish I could go back. Times aren't always easy. Oh, how I have missed you at every single holiday and anniversary. I see what I lost in the faces of babies. I didn't see your first smile. I didn't hear your  first laugh. First words, first steps, first tooth... I was robbed.


I often wonder what you would be like if you had lived. You would be about 8 months old. Who would you look like? Maybe you would have blue eyes like your daddy. I always dreamed you did. Would you be funny? or serious? What milestones would you have reached by now? Would you be an early talker? Maybe pulling up on the furniture...


I still wonder if I could have saved you somehow... I just want you back. I want you here with us. Maybe even more so today. It's your birthday. I shouldn't have to celebrate your first birthday without you.


I'll always miss you, and I love you more than words can describe.
Happy 1st birthday, my sweet baby girl.


Love,
Mommy