today

this is it. the anniversary of the worst day of my life. it has been one year since i found out Carli had given up her fight. i still remember that day in haunting detail.


we drove an hour to see the specialist. i already knew. somewhere in me, i knew she was already gone. i don't remember what we talked about in the car on the way to the appointment. it was something meaningless and trivial. i do remember thinking "what if this is the last thing we talk about, before we find out our daughter has died, and we are changed forever?" strange thought, i know.


we got to the office, checked in, and settled into an exam room for our 6th ultrasound. the nurse started the ultrasound. Carli was still. no flickering heart. i didn't cry. i didn't panic. i expected the outcome. but, that didn't stop me from wishing and hoping the nurse was just seeing a bad angle, and Carli was still alive. prove me wrong. please, prove me wrong. she can't be dead. then she said it: "i'm sorry. i can't find a heartbeat."


i just laid my head back, and waited. she continued to take some measurements, and point out all the fluid that had built up under Carli's skin and around her heart and lungs. i sat there wondering how this could have happened to me. why was she so still? wake up, Carli! the rest of the appointment was a blur. we talked to the perinatal doctor. he called my doctor back home. we discussed the next steps.  i must have heard 30 "i'm sorrys" before we got out of that office.


the ride home was very quiet. we both cried. not hysterically, as one would imagine. just quietly. tears of frustration, sadness, but ultimately defeat. we couldn't help her now. there was no going back. our little girl was gone before she ever arrived. no second chances on this one.


it rained. i remember the rain. it perfectly mirrored how i was feeling- dark and stormy.


once home, we called our families. i don't know what ray's calls were like. mine was a huge brick of reality to the face. my mom answered, and i tried to say "they couldn't find a heartbeat" but that's when my crying really got going. i had to say it out loud, and i couldn't do it. i choked on the words. after a few attempts and my mom saying "what? i can't understand you." i finally blurted out "she is dead." i don't remember the rest of the conversation. somehow i explained the next steps, and arranged for her to watch the girls for the rest of the week.


oddly enough, that is the last thing i remember about that day.


so, today? it's the one year anniversary. how am i feeling? mad.yes, one year later and i'm still mad about all that i lost. sure, i have Eden now... but that doesn't fix not having Carli. i want them both. i don't care if that's not possible. it's not possible to bring Carli back, either... but i want it. i still miss her. it still hurts.