family?

my wedding was exactly how i wanted it, with exactly the people i wanted. with one exception. one of my sisters was not invited.


let me start with the back story. i have 4 sisters and 2 brothers. my mom had 3 girls from before marrying my dad, and my dad had 1 girl from his previous marriage. together, they had my 2 brothers and then me. none of us ever bothered with "half sibling" or "step sibling". like i said above- i have 4 sisters and 2 brothers.


when my parents got married, my dad adopted my sister (Carolyn). her dad was MIA and gladly signed over his rights. my mom attempted to adopt my other sister (Jamie) because her mom was MIA also. drama ensued, and things got ugly. it even went so far as my dad's ex attempting to kill my mom. she didn't care about her rights; she just didn't want my mom to have Jamie.


after a couple years of ugly custody battles, and several thousand dollars spent (which is huge when you have so many kids to take care of) my dad finally got his ex to agree to give up her rights, but he also had to agree to give up his own. so, both parents gave up custody, and Jamie went to live with my dad's mom- just 30 minutes from us.


we always made every attempt to include her in every holiday. we visited as much as we could, and she could come stay with us whenever she wanted.


years have passed, and the decisions cannot be changed. i fully believe my parents made decisions based on what they thought would be best for all of us. and, some may say Jamie had a "better life" with my grandma. after all, living in a 2 bedroom house with six kids... our life was not luxurious by any means.


i have often wondered how Jamie felt about everything. did she feel abandoned? why did she call me her "half-sister"? why did it seem like she tried to set herself apart from the rest of us? why doesn't she show up for holidays when we invite (and even beg) her?


now we're up to current events. Jamie has never met Ray. i haven't seen or heard from her in years. i have no clue where she lives, and i haven't known for at least 5 years. i found her on facebook just before our wedding.


so why was she not invited? a variety of reasons: she has never met Ray. she has never shown up to anything before. she has a drug problem, and i was worried she would cause a scene at my wedding. (not exactly the place to bust out a "g.d." but she so would.) the wedding was in pittsburgh, and she does not have the means to get here without borrowing money from my parents, (which she would have spent on drugs instead of coming here anyway). and finally, because i still do not know where she lives. the invitations were sent out before i even found her on facebook.


the wedding came and went. i wished Jamie could have been in a good place in her life, and been able to attend. my other sisters were there. Jamie was missing.


a few days ago, i put some wedding pictures on my facebook, and all hell broke loose.


Jamie sent me a message saying "congrats on the wedding i really felt like part of the family when i heard BOUT IT ON FACEBOOK....NEWAY WISH U HEALTH N HAPPINESS!!!"


wtf? she is invited to everything for the past 32 years and has shown up maybe twice in her adult life. yet, the one thing she's not invited to, she freaks out. i know she loves to cause drama. which pisses me off. if you ever want to distance yourself from my family- start some drama. we all hate it. we are the most un-dramatic family ever. we just don't care to get involved.


for some reason though, i could not resist getting involved in this one. on the one hand, i am furious. she acts like she cares i got married. she hasn't shown up to meet any of my kids. she missed my first wedding, and has no clue i got divorced (well i guess she does now!). she missed my high school and college graduations. she was completely MIA when i was carrying Carli, so she has no idea i ever had her. why would i think she cares now?


on the other hand, i'm sad. i hate that she feels like she's not part of our family. maybe she is just trying to be dramatic. maybe she really feels that way.


i messaged her back: "Thank You. I'm sorry I didn't have your address when I sent out the invitations. I really do wish that there was a way for you to feel closer to our family"


to which she responded: "WELL U FOUND ME ON HERE U DIDNT REALLY NEED AN ADDRESS ITS JUST THINGS LIKE THIS THAT MAKE ME FEEL LIKE IM NOT PART OF THE FAMILY ITS LIKE MY DAD N MOM SIGNED ME OVER 2 MY GRANDMA AND BUILT A NEW LIFE AND I WASNT INVITED IN2 IT."


ouch. that is so not true. my parents have bent over backwards to include her. my mom has been more than loving and accepting. i can see the hurt in both of them when she doesn't show up for christmas. her stack of presents sits untouched until they finally find her again- 6 months after christmas. they love her. they want her to get better. to say she was not invited into their lives is complete bullshit. she acts like my mom is some horrible evil stepmother, and that pisses me off. i see my mom tear up when she tells Jamie "you can be my baby. i will take care of you."... i know she loves Jamie like one of her own. i know she wants Jamie to clean up her life, and be a part of ours.


i drove to west virginia for my dad's birthday this past week. on the 6th, Jamie called. could it be that she might want to visit for his birthday? no. she wanted money. no card for our dad. no "happy birthday". she took the money, and we didn't hear from her at all on the 7th (his birthday). i could feel his disappointment and anger. he was hurt. and my dad is not an emotional guy, but i could definitely see it.


i wanted to ask her if skipping our dad's birthday made her feel like part of the family. she had a chance to be around all of us (we were all in town) and she didn't show up. she didn't even come over to get the money. my dad had to take it to her.


so, i messaged her again: "At the time the invitations were sent out, I hadn't seen or heard from you in almost 2 years. Not even on facebook. 
I'm sorry you feel like your mom and dad built new lives without you. I cannot imagine what that must feel like. 
That being said, I was not even around when decisions were made to sign custody over. I have always thought I would change it if I could. But, I can't. You're my sister, and you always will be. That's all I can do.
I know you have been invited to several family gatherings and holidays. Why don't you show up? Daddy and my mom try to include you in everything, and I know they miss you and wish you would visit more. Only you can control your feelings of being excluded. Everyone else has done everything they can."


we will see what she has to say to all of that. i'm sure it won't give her any big epiphany. it will most likely make her angry.


maybe i should have just invited her, and counted on her not showing up?