one month

it has now been one month since we said our hello and goodbye to baby Carli. not one day has gone by that i haven't thought about my sweet baby. i cry until i run out of tears. my arms ache with emptiness; longing to hold my baby. i miss her more than words can describe.


there are days i am able to talk about Carli with strength and comfort. other days, i feel like my heart breaks all over again just at the mention of her name.there are ups and downs, but i think we are doing well to get through this. i expect i will ache forever... but maybe i'll eventually adapt to our new normal.

over the past month, i have done plenty of grieving. i have also been careful to find (and hang on to) a few things i am grateful for. i think those things keep me going. they cheer me up when i'm in "the dark places".

i am so indescribably happy about the choices i have made. i am thankful that i chose to carry Carli as long as her heart was beating. i gave her the chance to fight, and i will never regret that decision. i chose to hold her after she was born. while the experience was painful, and she was no longer with her body, i will always have the memories of her perfect little face. she looked so much like her daddy. i'm so thankful that i made the choices, and in turn, i have nothing to regret. i never have to wonder about the things i didn't do, because i did everything i could.

i am thankful for the support i have found in a few of my friends and family. i feel understood and listened to when i need it. i have been able to share Carli with those who are important to me, and have received sympathy and comfort in return.  i am grateful for the companionship and guidance of those who have been here before me. the kind thoughts from the other mothers have been more than helpful. i would be lost without them.

i am also so very thankful for my older girls. they help me see things through innocent eyes. they miss Carli too, but they offer a different perspective on the death of a baby. Lynzie always has something interesting to say about Carli. both girls are very thoughtful of their baby sister. it's nice to have someone to grieve with, but also cheer me up in the process too.

mostly, i'm so grateful that i have ray. we manage to see eye to eye on everything dealing with Carli. we grieve the same, and we are able to comfort each other. he understands when something random upsets me. it's always the weird things with me... but he seems to get that. nothing could be better than a hug from ray when i'm sad. he's my best friend, and i couldn't have made it this far without him. i couldn't have picked a better dad for our angel.