i was dreaming that i was in some restaurant about to enter a drawing contest; like the kind where you can win a t-shirt and a gift certificate. i had a piece of paper, and a bucket of crayons. i started to think about what to draw.
then, the restaurant was gone. bucket of crayons; gone. paper; gone. i was standing in a room, looking down at Carli’s box. i opened the box, and began to take things out and stack them on a table. suddenly, i realized there was a baby wrapped in Carli’s blanket. i picked the baby up. it was Carli. i was extremely freaked out. how did my dead baby get in this box?
she looked just how i remember her. she was tiny; underdeveloped; born at 26 weeks. the only thing different was that she was pink, like a living baby. suddenly her eyes popped open. they were blue. at this point, i really freaked out, and i thought i must be losing my mind. after all, who finds their dead baby in a box, and then imagines it opening its eyes? that has to be the definition of crazy.
well, then it got even more strange. Carli started talking to me. not with her mouth, but more like she was thinking and i could hear it. so, we talked. He woke me up for you. “do you get to stay?” not long. and, crazy or not, i did what any mother would do after finding her lost child. i held her, told her how much i missed her, and gave her 1,000 kisses. the whole time i was thinking that i wanted to go get someone. i wanted to find ray so he could see her too. but, then i knew everyone would think i was crazy. so, i just stayed with her; knowing she wouldn’t stay long.
after a few minutes, the color in her eyes started to fade, and pieces of her hair were falling out onto the blanket. i knew my time to hold Carli was about to be over, so i wrapped her back up, and put her back in the box. i noticed Eden starting to hiccup in my belly. Carli opened her eyes one more time. what's her name? “her name is Eden Grace.” i like that. i looked back, and she was gone. her blanket was folded up in the box, just as i had left it.
i was in a different place. the room was gone. Carli’s box; gone. Eden’s hiccups, and even my pregnant belly; gone. my phone started to ring, so i answered it. it was a call about the drawing contest i entered earlier in my dream. i told the caller i didn’t get to finish my picture. “yes you did. it’s some sort of rainbow thing.” so, i thought to myself that is really weird. i had two dreams at once, and my other dream finished the picture while i was gone.
ray woke me up to tell me goodbye, before he left for work. i noticed Eden hiccuping, and began to think about my dream. then, i started to cry. i told Ray i was dreaming about Carli, and that she could talk to me; that's all i said. i’m sure he thought i was being crazy. that’s what i would think if someone told me they were talking to a dead baby in a dream.
i went through Carli’s things last night, and then i went to bed. it seems logical that i might dream about her. if someone told me this story, i would think “oh, what an interesting coincidence.” but, it’s my coincidence. i want to think maybe it really was a chance to hold Carli again. maybe not, but it feels good to think it could have been.
i’ve been thinking about the dream all morning. while getting dressed, i looked over at Carli’s box. i briefly thought about opening it to look inside. then i thought what would i expect to find in there? it’s going to be exactly how i left it. looking will only mean that i really am crazy; because that means i actually expect to find some type of clue that the box had been disturbed in reality. what if i actually found Carli in there? not that it would happen- and then i would know i had really lost my mind. i would probably scream, and close the box quickly. i won’t find anything in there. so, i never opened the box.
maybe that’s why i dreamed about holding Carli. even if a higher power wanted me to hold my baby again, i probably wouldn’t be too receptive in reality. so, to God, or to my imagination, or to Carli, or to coincidence… whatever it was… thank you for the dream.
i've loved this sculpture for a while,
but i think now it holds even more meaning.
but i think now it holds even more meaning.
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