i feel like complaining

i know i have spent way too much time on babycenter today. there are too many moms on there complaining about crap that doesn't even matter; and now i feel like i need to complain about crap that doesn't matter too.


first, Eden's bedroom. what does it look like? it's tiny. it's blue. it is full of empty cardboard boxes (unpacked from our move). there are a few boxes of baby clothes in the corner. my formal dresses are in the closet (why do i even still have those?). the door stays closed. the room smells musty. what do i envision it will look like? nothing. no change. i don't see a nursery in there. i don't feel like painting. i can't even begin to pick out what i want. i just don't care. i need a car seat and a bassinet, and i'm ready for Eden's arrival. what is wrong with me?


next, baby showers. this has to be the ultimate "crap-that-doesn't-matter" complaint. i don't even want to decorate anything or plan anything, yet i feel like i need a baby shower? it's not quite like that.. i will explain. it has been suggested that we have a "meet Eden" party instead of a baby shower. basically the idea is that people can stop by after we get home, and drop off presents if they feel like it. don't people do that anyway- regardless of a previous baby shower?
i don't really care if i have a baby shower, but i really don't want a "meet Eden" party. it's hard to explain how i feel about it... i had suggested a "meet Carli" party, because we didn't know if she was going to live. so it was my way of avoiding a baby shower, until we knew the outcome. so, i guess by suggesting a "meet Eden" party, it kinda feels like people aren't sure if Eden will be coming home. i know i have a lot of anxieties over the health and outcome of my pregnancy, but i don't think other people should. it doesn't make me feel very confident... and it's a little insulting. like they are saying "well, you killed one baby... let's just wait and see if you can do it right this time." of course, that's probably all in my head. and thus the reason it is filed under "crap that doesn't matter".


and my final complaint... it has been a recurring conversation lately, and i'm not sure why. probably because i am obsessing over it. ray says after Eden, we are done. that really bothers me. i always wanted a lot of kids. i'm too young to be done. there's plenty of time to consider this later (like after i'm not pregnant for a while?!?) but, it's still bothering me now. he tells people we are done. what is this "we"? i'm not. he might be, but i am so not. i don't have any plans for when, or how many.. but i know Eden can't be my last. i guess i will just stress over it and complain in my head, until it is time to seriously consider more/no more.


and now that it's all out, i feel better. i'm done worrying about crap that doesn't matter. i'll do Eden's room when/if i feel like doing it. no rush. i'm not having a party because it's dumb, and i don't want to worry about it. and, i'll talk babies when it's time to talk babies. until then... no more of this "WE are done" stuff. 


(does my crappy mood show? i'm sure it doesn't help that today is 7 months since Carli's birthday, and one year since we found out i was pregnant with Carli-- happy anniversaries)