25 weeks

i am now 25 weeks and 2 days pregnant. hopefully, 15 more weeks to go until we get to hold Eden. Carli died sometime during her 25th week. i'm only 2 days into this week, but it already feels like it's been the longest week of the entire pregnancy. i've been having these random fearful thoughts that Eden's heart may stop at any second. every few hours i frantically try to remember when i last felt Eden kick. then, she does kick. next, i try to wait patiently while i count her kicks. finally, i attempt to analyze the kicks for any signs of distress or anything else that may seem abnormal. it is exhausting to be this paranoid. (and some kicks i talk myself into believing they weren't actually kicks, but my imagination... so i start the whole worrying process over.)
25 weeks did not feel like long enough with Carli. so, when i say what i'm about to type, please do not be mistaken. no time is enough when it means letting go of your child.

in the 25 weeks i carried Carli, i talked to her a lot. i cried a lot. i spent most of my days thinking about Carli, and talking about Carli. i even had dreams where i got to hold Carli, change her, and feed her. those dreams seemed so real; the kinda you feel disappointed about when you find out it was only a dream. i feel like i really knew Carli, and really bonded with her. maybe i knew she wouldn't survive... maybe i was given the chance to bond because she wasn't going to be here long. after Carli's diagnosis, i had just 7 weeks to give her all the love i could. then she was gone. it was not long enough, but in hindsight- i am amazed at how much i got to know her.

i have now carried Eden 25 weeks, and it is not the same at all. i don't know her. i know i love her. i know i want her. but nothing is the same as it was with Carli. maybe it's the lack of a fatal diagnosis (thank God for that). i haven't had any dreams about Eden, yet. it even feels weird to call her Eden.

i came to the shocking realization that (aside from my frantic worrying) maybe this pregnancy has felt very normal. with Lynzie and Lillie, i didn't really bond until after they were born. i didn't feel the need to talk to my stomach, or even refer to them by the anything other than "the baby". i always just knew there would be time for all that after they arrived. i often refer to the knowing everything will be okay as being naive. when i was pregnant with Lynzie or Lillie, i didn't know pregnancies could end badly. i had never really thought about a fatal diagnosis.

Carli certainly changed my views on all pregnancies ending well. i do have a heightened sense of worry, now. but, i still don't feel the intense need to bond *right now* with Eden. i still feel like i have time. and, i can't help but think that maybe i always knew Carli wasn't going to be a take-home baby.

i hope this means Eden will be a take-home baby. (God, please let Eden come home.)