Carli's box

anyone who has experienced the death of a child has heard the phrase "let me know if there's anything i can do" about 8,000 times. i heard it so much, it began to make me angry. what could they possibly do? do they even really want to do anything? or is that in some script of what to say to a dead baby's mom?
of all the "let me knows" we heard, we only asked one person to do something. after all... there really isn't much anyone can do. Ray asked one of his friends to make us a box. his friend enjoys woodworking, and we needed a box to hold Carli's things. the box we were using was a little tacky, and not nearly big enough. so... fast forward a few months, and our box was finally ready.

we picked it up, and Ray got to work on sanding it down and staining it the color we wanted. last night, he finished it. he brought the box to our bedroom, pushed it up against the wall, and left. i got to work on putting everything into it.

as i was unpacking Carli's old box, i looked through all the things. this is something i haven't done in quite a while. i had been thinking about it, but hadn't brought myself to actually sit down and do it. sometimes it's hard to dig up all that emotion; but i think it's good to do so once in a while. it's good to feel.

so, as i sat crying and holding her blanket, i thought about how long it had been since i really had a good cry. i smelled Carli's things, and noticed the smell is starting to fade. i cried harder. i sat for a good 10 minutes in the corner of my bedroom, crying silently into Carli's soft blanket. finally, i finished placing everything in the box, just how i wanted it. then, i cried more because Carli's things didn't quite fill it... and they never will. i looked up at her urn on the shelf and thought it wasn't supposed to be like this.

i got up off the floor, wiped my tears, and got ready for bed.

i wish i had more things to put in her box. i wish i had her favorite baby toy, her first lost tooth, some papers from kindergarten... i'll never get those. Carli's box will forever remain half empty.