i never thought this would happen

it's weird to think back to when ray's best friend first announced his wife was pregnant. i remember my reaction... i was sitting beside ray on the bed, still very pregnant with Carli. i could tell by ray's side of the phone conversation what his friend was calling to say. his wife was going to have another baby. i started to cry. his best friend was going to have a healthy baby, and ours was going to die. it didn't seem fair. i had the overwhelming feeling that i had really messed things up for ray. they're best friends. their kids should be the same age, and playing together. but, ours wasn't going to be able to do that.
i think ray understood why i was crying. if he didn't then, he did later. some pregnancy announcements upset him too. (and there were a lot of pregnancy announcements!) it was never that we thought we deserved a baby more than anyone else, or that we wished someone else was in our place... i think it was mostly the conflicting emotions of being so happy that people close to us were having babies, but so sad that Carli wouldn't be around to grow up with them.

i had so much fear about everyone's pregnancies. i didn't know how i was going to deal with new babies. would i always look at them and wonder why mine wasn't healthy? and when they grow up, would i always see the missing place where Carli should have been? and what if the babies weren't healthy? what if something went wrong? i was so paranoid for everyone else. i know what it feels like to lose a baby... how could i handle watching someone else go through it? i didn't think i would ever be excited or normal again. pregnancy and babies... they were just too emotional and scary for me.

well, i'm glad i had some time between Carli's death and the birth of all these new babies. everything i thought i would feel, or worry about- is gone. i am nothing but excited. it feels so normal! i hope this is one of the feelings that stick around. i know in grief there are a lot of steps forward and leaps backward... so, here's to hoping this means i'm healing, at least in this aspect.