forever

the more i think, the more i see how much Carli changed every single aspect of my life. in keeping with the theme of my last post, i also wanted to reflect on the changes my relationship with ray has been through.

i remember just 2 days before Carli's horrible ultrasound, Ray and i argued. i have no clue what it was about, but i'm sure it was stupid. i do remember pointing out that the only reason i was pregnant was because he wanted me to be. i stressed that i wasn't ready for kids, but had sacrificed a lot (mainly grad school) to do what he asked me to do. by that point i had come to terms with being pregnant, and had long been excited about Carli's arrival. but, that wasn't the case in the first weeks of my pregnancy and, just two days before that anatomy scan, i had to remind him. he wanted the baby. not me. not at first, anyway.


i felt stupid after the anatomy scan. i felt guilty. how could i have taken my pregnancy for granted? how could i have used something like that in an argument? because i was naive. i was ignorant. there is no other excuse.


of course, life went on. i'm sure ray has long forgotten that argument, and we have gone on to have several others. pregnancy with Carli was especially hard. everyone knew she was sick, so no one ever asked me about her. it was almost like she had already died, and i was just carrying her around. it made pregnancy very lonely. the only person i had to talk to was ray. but, after so many weeks of negative appointments, and also not being able to feel Carli move, i even felt distanced from ray. pregnancy was very isolating. i couldn't really share my experience with anyone.


a certain argument during my pregnancy sticks out in my mind. we were discussing a summer trip to california via myspace messenger, while ray was at work. my mom wanted to take the kids, and me. ray knew he would have to work. i said the kids could go, but i didn't know about me. Carli was due in the summer. ray thought i should go. i told him i didn't want to plan to go, because if Carli survived she would still be very sick. then, ray said "Carli won't even make it to April." wow, that comment really stung. i knew the odds and i knew the statistics. i had been to all the same doctor visits ray had gone to, and i knew we weren't supposed to be optimistic. but, this was the first time i knew i was the only one still hoping she would win her fight with hydrops. i replied: "well, awesome. that gives me plenty of time to bleed, cry, and get over it, so we can go on vacation."


i know ray wanted her to survive. but, his comment made me feel like he had already given up on her. it isolated me even more. i remember thinking at this very moment that we were no longer waiting for good news. we were waiting for her to die. i felt like it was easy for him to give up, but i still felt very pregnant. it was still so real for me.


we had a lot of harsh stupid arguments directly related to the stress we were going through. it was hard not to lose track of what we were doing. it was hard not to turn against each other. later in that argument, i told ray about how lonely i felt. "i feel pregnant. i'm happy i'm pregnant. it feels like you're just waiting for it to be over." and he said: "i am scared that it will end. i am happy you are pregnant too... i love it" then i asked "why doesn't it feel like we are enjoying it?" i think of this as a huge turning point in our journey. for me, i could finally see what we were doing to each other. or, more what i was doing to ray. he was grieving differently, but i was never alone. his way wasn't wrong. and i think this particular discussion is important for us to remember, because Carli created a very defining point in our relationship.


this exchange makes me cry everytime i read it: 

Me:    i don't know what we're going to do about all of this...we've made a huge mess somehow.
Ray:   i know......its me, not you. im sure
Me:    i don't believe that. it takes two. i'm sorry. what do we do to fix it?
Ray:   i dunno
Me:    i don't want it to get worse. i don't want us to get pushed apart.
Ray:   me either.....
Me:    i still love you.
Ray:  i still love you too. forever.
Me:   yep forever. we gotta do better then...
Ray:  yep
Me:   smile, ray. we'll get through it. it's just rough times.

after this, i asked ray to come home. he did, and i cried a whole bunch. crying always feels better when ray is around.

i think carrying Carli put a lot of stress on our relationship. i'm glad we were able to handle it, and help each other through. our relationship has been much stronger, because of Carli. 


i think it's funny when people really put together all that ray and i have been through. people ask ray how we do it: lost a baby, expecting another, new job, a move, new house, engagement, supporting the two kids i already have... it sure does sound like a lot (and all in less than a year!). that just goes to show how well we stick together under stress, and how well Carli taught us to cope. we've been through the worst. everything else is just a stepping stone to where we want to go.


i need ray. when things get rough, i know he can make everything feel better. it doesn't matter what happens at work, or with the kids, or with my family... as long as i have ray- i can handle it. i just hope i can be at least half the support for him, that he is for me. 


i love you, ray. forever.