the journey to Eden

as we were going to bed one night, ray asked me if i ever thought about how strange it was that without losing Carli, we would not have Eden. i think about that often. more than you will ever know.



i think most families that have lost a child, and go on to have another, feel some sort of guilt at some point. it's hard to be so happy about a baby that would not be possible without the death of another. it's hard to feel so torn between sadness and excitement. while this child was not ever meant to replace the one we lost; she would not exist without the death of our first. it is physically impossible.


i have settled things in my mind, that seem to work for me. that's usually how i deal with matters of religion, faith, and other things that cannot be exactly proven and explained. i find what works for me, and that becomes my explanation and my truth.


i think that Carli had a purpose. her life was never meant to be lived any other way than it was. it's sad to think she never had a chance, but maybe that's why our prayers were never answered the way we hoped. she was here (and taken away) to change us. no other situation would have changed things the way she did. and maybe down the road, she will continue to change things. because of Carli, i connect with a lot of different people, who i never would have known without losing her.


because of Carli i am more patient and more understanding. i am far less selfish than i used to be. as i stated in my post about carrying her- i actually said i didn't want to be pregnant just before Carli's diagnosis. it doesn't get more selfish than that. Carli showed me that life isn't always about just me, especially when i have a family to take care of.


and, just like Carli, Eden has a purpose too. she is meant to be here in this point in time. i do not know how long we will get to keep her, because i know that these "plans" aren't always what we want them to be. i hope with everything in me, that we keep her the rest of our lives... but that is something i will never know in advance. i do know she has a purpose. everyone does. she will make a profound impact on someone, somewhere.

"You Are Perfectly, Wonderfully,
Beautifully Meant To Be"