repressed

i sometimes click through random posts on my blog, just to re-read something i was feeling last week; last month; last year. today i read Carli's story. it's been about a year since i typed it. as i read through the story, i saw that i typed her weight as "1 pound 13 ounces". and i thought to myself, i thought it was 1 pound 3 ounces. the more i thought, the more i honestly couldn't remember. how could i forget something like that. i remember Lynzie's (6-13) and Lillie's (7-5) and Eden's (8-12). why in the hell can i not remember Carli's? 



there are a few details i can't seem to remember correctly. her weight is obviously one of them. also, when did she die? was she 25 weeks? or 26 weeks? why was she so tiny? did they ever tell me she was tiny? i don't remember. her length. i do remember her length. she was 11... 11 3/4 inches? 11 1/2 inches? shit. 

so, i went upstairs. i opened her box, and started to go through her things. her height and weight is different on different things. which one is correct?!?


i set aside the measurement cards, and started to sort through the other things. it's amazing the things i forget. it's amazing the things i haven't thought about in so long. i see her urn everyday. i think about her everyday. but the box holds things i don't think about everyday. her blanket. her clothes. all the cards. her tiny footprints in the bible. the christmas ornament from the funeral home. the little memory box from the hospital. her pictures.


and the tears started flowing. and they wouldn't stop. i cried until my eyes were red and puffy. i cried body-shaking sobs. i haven't done that in a very long time. and it felt good. it felt good to remember again.


i have decided it's time to get copies of all my medical records that pertain to Carli. as much as i can get. it will help me remember things like test results, measurements, and characteristics. more importantly, though, i need the records. i need the closure. i need to know every little detail about Carli and her condition.


i just hope i can actually get the records without too much fuss (or money). 

i found this tiny pink rose in Carli's garden today.