church

i haven't been to church regularly since Lillie was born. no particular reason... i just stopped going. i guess i wasn't "feeling it" anymore. jaded maybe. i've only been a handful of times in the past few years. mostly when someone else talks me into going. it's never something i feel like i personally need to do.



Ray tries to go to church regularly. when we were dating, i went with him a few times. we went most sundays after we found out Carli was sick. i felt like i was looking for something at that point. a big "ah-ha" moment. it never happened. i still felt jaded. 

i still believe. i still pray. i just can't find a connection with church, and i'm not sure i ever did. it always feels like i'm just going through the motions.


Carli's death changed my perspective on religion... but not in the way some may think. God became more important. figuring out what i believe became almost like a mission. and, i think i settled it pretty well. i'm more comfortable with my beliefs than i have ever been. mostly because i have settled with the idea that i will never know all the answers, and no one else ever will either- even if they say they do. i feel at peace with where Carli may be, and why she died. 


after Carli died, we stopped going to church. i wasn't "mad" at God, and i don't think Ray was either. i think it was more about our move, and getting into a new routine with a new church. recently, we have been going to church again. 4 straight weeks now! that's a record since Carli died.


but, it's weird. church is a strange place for me. all i think about is Carli. everything the preacher says and even the "messages" in the songs... i relate them to Carli. most of it is upsetting.

for example- today the preacher said basically that God answers all prayers, and sometimes he says "no" because he has a better plan for us. nice message, right? not so much when the one prayer i so desperately wanted to be heard was a prayer for my daughter to live. so, he heard it, and said "no" because he had a "better" plan for me? what was the "better" plan? Eden? how can someone say that one child is better than another? how can anyone say that it is better that Carli died? 


i absolutely do not believe this guy's message. i just shake my head and pretty much take it as mindless crap. empty preaching. it means nothing to me. it's not true. God would not say that it's better for a child to die. i simply do not believe he makes those decisions.


mostly, i want to shake these preachers, and tell them how their messages effect those of us who have had something more serious than a job loss to grieve. i want them to know what exactly their message means to those of us who need a deeper, more thought out meaning for God. i want to tell them my story and dare them to explain how Carli's death was a loving God's choice. i don't think they could. i think they would have to rethink their message. 


most of church goes like this for me. preacher says something. i relate it to Carli. i am extremely dissatisfied with an inadequate message. i leave still feeling jaded; feeling like the preacher has no clue what he's talking about.

give me something better. give me something that makes sense. or, at least tell me you don't know all the answers, and we can never know all the answers. i'm fine with that too. just say it.