coping

we told Lynzie and Lillie about Carli on sunday, and this is how it went:

we picked the girls up from their dad's on sunday afternoon. Lynzie ran up to me, hugged my stomach, and said her usual "hi, Carli!" so, i said "we are going to talk all about Carli when we get home." she said okay, got in the car, and chatted about her normal 5-year-old things... about her nail polish party with aunt mandy... her fun weekend with daddy... her new shirt that says "daddy's little love bug" and Lillie's new shirt that says "i ♥ daddy". (isn't my ex so awesome?... ugh) plus, both girls were super excited to get home and see the new bunk beds we got them (which proved to be a huge distraction for them from the Carli stuff).


when we got home, i sat the kids down, and said "something happened to Carli..." Lynzie looked worried and said "oh no!" so, i said "Carli died." and they both just looked at me... i gave them their "sister" necklaces, and read them the little poem that came with it. i told them the necklaces were a gift from Carli, to remind them of their baby sister.

the necklace is a butterfly with a heart in the wing. the back of the butterfly has "sisters" engraved on it. Lynzie hasn't taken hers off since she got it, and Lillie wears hers most of the time. she's a little cautious about sleeping in it, because i have always taken necklaces off of them before bed.

after i gave the girls their necklaces, they were practically bouncing off the walls to go play on their new bunk beds, so i let them go. i sat there thinking about how that wasn't like i thought it would be. they took it well. maybe even a little too well. they didn't seem to really care. but, then again, they are kids. they had distractions. and Lillie... she's in her own world all the time anyway.

within minutes, Lynzie was back at my side asking questions about Carli. "what did Carli look like? did Carli come out dead? were you sad? do you miss Carli? where is Carli now? will Jesus take care of Carli? who will teach Carli? is Carli okay? did Carli become an angel? i saw on tv, this boy turned into a mermaid, and it hurt... so does turning into an angel hurt? is Carli watching us? will Carli come back to see me?...."

so, let's see.... it's been about 4 days since we told them, and Lynzie's questions have not stopped. it is literally exhausting. sometimes i have to tell her i need a break. i can't even begin to describe how constant her questions are. it's like a continuous flow.

and Lillie has been relatively silent. she has asked a few things. not overwhelming... she mostly stays to herself, and does her Lillie things.

both girls are pretending a lot. which, i know is how kids "act out" what they are feeling. but it hurts a little to hear them "playing with Carli". especially when they want me to play. "mommy, do you hear Carli? do you see Carli?" i get frustrated. no, i don't hear or see Carli, because she is gone. but i just say "yep. go play." i don't know how to deal with Lynzie and Lillie yet. it's driving me crazy. they're always running up to me and saying "mommy! i felt Carli touch me! i really did!" no, you didn't. that's not real. stop it! "oh okay. that's nice."

they even took baby dolls and put "wings" on them... wings made of paper. they call them "Carli dolls". and those Carli dolls go everywhere with us, and their wings are always falling off!!

we had clay that we tried to use for Carli's footprints, but her feet were too fragile to push into the clay. there was a small smudge on the clay from her foot (barely visible), but the clay broke in half on the way home from the hospital. i didn't figure we would keep it. i left it on the dining room table, and sure enough, Lynzie found it. her Carli doll made hand and footprints in it for us. she was just trying to help, but ray got really mad. i understand why, and had i known we were keeping the clay, i would've put it away. i just felt bad... bad because he wanted to keep it, and bad because Lynzie tried to help, but messed up. that was an extremely upsetting moment; especially with the "this is all we have!" comment. ouch. i know. i felt torn between not hurting Lynzie's feelings, but also feeling like ray wanted her punished. in the end, i did nothing. not because i decided that was best... but just because i didn't want to deal with being stuck in that position.

i guess these are just ways of coping for Lynzie and Lillie... but seriously, i hope it ends soon. i'm going insane.