glad to be back

i'm finally home from the visit with ray's family. that was, by far, the longest weekend of my entire life. i'm happy i'm home; i feel so much more comfortable here.


on friday night, ray's mom broke down crying. she apologized for being upset when she first found out about my pregnancy (we had expected she would be). i told her that was okay... i told her we figured everyone would be upset at first. she told me she was sorry i had to go through "all of this" and she asked a few questions about Carli's birth ("was it hard for you?"). then she cried even harder and said all she and her husband wanted was to be grandparents. ouch. not only did i fail ray, but his family too. that stung a little... but i kept it to myself. i still consider Carli my daughter, and their grandchild. then she said she just didn't know what they were going to do if ray's sister lost her baby. what do i say to that? i just nodded. i get what she meant... but holy crap, that hurt. i don't want that to happen either. but, what am i supposed to say/do? it's like she thinks my crappy baby-making abilities are contagious. i knew not to tell ray what she had said, because he would be angry, and cause this whole big drama while we were there. so, i spent the rest of the night feeling like shit, and having no one to talk to. i cried myself to sleep, and tried to let it go in the morning. i'm not mad. i do understand what she meant. i just wish she hadn't said it to me.

the next day, we went to pittsburgh to visit with ray's sister. we had dinner with ray's best friend, his wife, ray's sister, and brother-in-law. there was a lot of conversation about pregnancy, babies, and things of that nature (i'm the only female out of that group who is not pregnant). most of it is not too difficult to handle. it's kind of like a time-bomb. i never know what's going to upset me and when. i can talk pregnancy stuff all day... it didn't even bother me to hold and play with ray's friend's baby. but when the discussion turned to child birth, and seeing and holding a baby for the first time... i about lost it. i tried so hard not to cry, and i think only ray and his friend noticed. they both changed the topic quickly, and left me feeling a little awkward. i'm so glad i was able to keep those tears under control... but i feel bad for making people feel awkward around me. i don't want to always be sad. i don't want to be "the one you can't say 'baby' around". i wish things could go back to normal.

i don't have my pregnancy innocence anymore. i'll never look at pregnancy the same way. i was ignorant for thinking every pregnancy ended in a healthy baby. i was arrogant for thinking Carli would be the baby to survive hydrops. i feel, most of the time, like something is missing. my motherhood was interrupted. i was so close... and now i'm empty-handed. i'm foreign to everyone, because no one knows what i think and what i feel. i'm alone because Carli is gone. if only i had been able to make her better... then i could still be normal.