not what i expected

we left home yesterday to travel 5 hours away and visit ray's family. while we were packing, ray asked if we should take Carli's urn and music box. since his parents bought both of them for us, i thought it would be a good idea. i figured maybe they would want to see them.

now, i'm wishing i hadn't brought them. i expected their reactions... sadness, sympathy, etc. i didn't expect my own. i have felt horrible since the second ray brought the urn out to show his mom. let's give a little background info.

the first time i came up here, was on thanksgiving. we brought Lynzie and Lillie, and i was about 2 months pregnant. we didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy, but we discussed how fun it would be when we did tell everyone. we joked about how we were going to squeeze all the car seats into ray's truck next year; we said things like "by next thanksgiving, the truck will be even more crowded than now."

ray and i came for a visit again (without the girls) at christmas. we still didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy, but discussed the same excitement of letting everyone meet our baby. after we got back home from this trip, ray called everyone to announce "our news". it was rough at first, as i expected, but eventually everyone was just as excited as we were. my next trip up here was supposed to be for a baby shower.

then, we found out Carli was sick. so we decided we wouldn't have a baby shower, we would just wait until after Carli was born, and have a "meet Carli" shower. the new "next trip" was for ray's work; he had a test to take up here. it was scheduled for march 26th... and i was still pregnant. instead, we missed the test, and i delivered Carli at 1:57 am on march 26th. so, here we are, test rescheduled for today... and this trip is nothing like i expected.

seeing ray's parents hold Carli for the first time... it wasn't supposed to be Carli in an urn. and that's all i kept thinking. i felt so bad... they both cried, and so did i. Carli's first trip here is not at all what i had imagined it would be. it made me physically sick to think about what should have been. and, that's why i am wishing we had left the urn at home... i wish i didn't have to think about this right now. i feel like everything is my fault. i really messed up what should have been.