how i feel

i read a post on babycenter where women were complaining about being tired of being pregnant. i wish back pain was all i had to worry about. at least they get to keep their babies. i read about nursery decoration worries. who cares? is that really something to worry about? i read about people worrying their children will have some birth defect. i'd give anything to have a take-home baby, no matter what was wrong with her.

lately, i have been feeling extremely angry. i can remember when i had my daughters. i know what normal pregnancy is like. i know the normal complaints and worries. yet, i still feel my blood boiling when i read the things i mentioned above. it is not like me to react with such anger towards people. especially since i have been where they are. they don't know i read their posts. i honestly don't know why i still read things on that july 2010 birth board. it always upsets me in some way.

i see "new baby" announcements all the time. i found one at my mom's house that she got from a friend recently. this particularly stung, because her baby survived hydrops. rather than being happy, i thought about how unfair it was. i began to feel angry about the things i had of Carli. normally so proud of my pictures, i now felt angry. she got a baby, and i got stupid pictures. and, in turn, i feel guilty for the anger i have towards such precious belongings. i really do treasure all of the things i have of Carli... i think i'm just a bitter about losing her.

i've also found myself feeling unnecessarily paranoid. my sister-in-law is almost a week past her due date. normally, i would think about how uncomfortable she must be; ready to pop i'm sure. but, my thinking is all distorted. i can't help but think the longer she goes, the more at risk she is for stillbirth. now really, how likely is it that she will have a stillbirth? (about 1 in 500- i'm such a freak for knowing that) not very likely... so why is that the first thing i think?

ray tells me about his boss being pregnant. "how many weeks is she?" i ask. no matter how many weeks he says, i still think well anything can happen. miscarriage... fatal diagnosis... i know a few women who made it to full term, and lost a baby for no apparent reason. 

yesterday, ray told me his sister is pregnant with twins. what was my first comment? "well she's automatically high risk, then." as soon as the words left my mouth, i wanted to punch myself in the face. what the hell is wrong with me? it's like i'm not capable of one positive thought. "ooh! twins!" would have been much more appropriate, and normal... it's how i would have reacted before Carli.

i can't imagine what things will be like when i'm pregnant again. if i'm this paranoid now... how paranoid will i be when it's my own (and the risks are much higher, given my history)?

my distorted thinking is extremely frustrating. i wish i could be a normal mom again. i wish i could be excited for people having babies. i wish i could worry with the other moms about how bad labor is going to be. i wish i could talk to all the pregnant women i know about normal things like back pain and morning sickness. i wish i didn't have to cautiously ask "did you hear a heartbeat?"

that question brings me right back to my last ultrasound. that haunting silence; that motionless black and white screen; no heartbeat. and that's why i'm not the same anymore.