i wish i could avoid everything baby related

easter came and went. our first major holiday without Carli. christmas, i think, will be much harder. i would be lying if i said i didn't think of Carli with every baby i saw or heard on easter. i thought about how we won't ever dress her up in cute little easter dresses. she won't ever be one of the kids running around the yard looking for eggs. she won't be waking us up way too early to talk about what was in her basket. just about everything lynzie and lillie did, i thought of it as something Carli wouldn't be doing with them... and it hurt.

my brother's wife is due any day now with their little girl... i'm dreading the day i get the call from the family member who chooses to announce the news. "the baby is here! come see her! hold this baby!" i know my family won't understand why i would want to avoid this situation... my mom has already mentioned having my brother, his wife, and their new baby at Carli's memorial. that would kill me... but i don't know how to tell them they aren't invited; especially if my mom already told them.

when will life stop being like this? when will i stop looking at babies, and pregnant women and thinking about Carli? when will i stop thinking in terms of "things she'll never do" and "the baby i'll never have"? it's not that i want to forget her... but i want to have days where i don't cry. i want to be happy for people when they have babies. i want to stop being so sad and lifeless.