baby's first thanksgiving

well, it's over. we made it through thanksgiving with no major complications. but, of course, a lot of things went unmentioned; like Carli.


it's crazy to think what i had planned. last year i was envisioning thanksgiving 2010 with us still living in west virginia. we would load up the three kids, go to my parents' house for an early dinner, and then head up to pennsylvania for another dinner with Ray's family. it would've been awesome. it would have been normal. it should have been Carli's first thanksgiving.


instead, we drove to west virginia on wednesday with 2 kids. not 3. no one even dared to mention Carli's name. we had dinner with my parents, and didn't see any of Ray's family. on friday, we drove home. that was it. it felt very bizarre.


i know Ray didn't want to spend so much time at my parents' house... but i won't see them for christmas. christmas will be the hardest holiday, for sure. no Carli. no family. no west virginia. it's going to suck. but, maybe it'll be better for me, so i can just be sad the whole time. i haven't decided yet.


i  feel bad for Ray. i know he was thinking about Carli. he said he was, and he doesn't talk about her much anymore either. so, for him to actually bring her up... i know thanksgiving was going to be rough for him too. on top of that, he wasn't going to see his family. and the worst part, i don't know what to say to comfort him. i'm the one always complaining and being sad... i don't know how to make him feel better. and i know spending time with my family just isn't the same for him.


now we're stuck looking at all the "baby's first thanksgiving" pictures on facebook that EVERYONE posted. did everyone have a babies this year, while ours was dying? it's overwhelming. Carli should have been here. whatever our family situation was; no matter where we ate dinner; if Carli had been here, none of it would have mattered. who would've guessed that one tiny person missing would've made the whole day seem so lonely?