dear tuesday, please hurry

it's no secret that i'm freakishly paranoid about my pregnancy. gone are the days of "expecting" a baby; now i cautiously *hope* for a baby. this is nothing like pregnancy with Lynzie, Lillie, or even Carli. with them, i didn't worry. i was good at being pregnant. why worry? 40 weeks, and i'd have a healthy screaming baby. 

well, of course everything changed when Carli was diagnosed. i suddenly saw that things could go wrong. and even if i was "good" at being pregnant... i wasn't guaranteed a healthy baby. i never knew all the things that could happen, until one of them happened to me.


i feel like i've been holding my breath for the past seven and a half months. i've set milestones, and passed them. "if we can just see a heartbeat... if we can just make it past 12 weeks... if we can just get through the anatomy scan... if we can just make it to 24 weeks... 28 weeks... 30 weeks..." i have days were i'm calm, and optimistic. i have days where i can just see us holding a little bundle of healthy baby. then, i have days where i freak out.


i mean i really freak out. i question whether this feels "real enough". ya know, because if it doesn't feel real and believable that i'm having  baby, maybe that means i won't get to keep her. maybe it means i know deep down inside that she will die too. i have days where aches and pains feel normal, and i have days where everything seems like something i should call the doctor about.


i'm going through one of those stages where i want to call the doctor. every five minutes, i want to call. i've been having headaches. sure it could be normal. what if it's pre-eclampsia, and we both die? Eden isn't moving enough. she moves. she moves just about every time i start to think that she hasn't moved in a while. but what if she's not moving enough? sure it could be because she's getting too big to be flipping around... but what if she's in distress? what if she's dying? i have so many things i want the doctor to check and test... and i won't calm down until i hear that everything is "fine. normal. see you in two weeks."


i'm driving myself crazy with all this worrying. and, maybe that's what is causing the headaches. i'm just so scared. i wish i could fast forward. i want her out of me. i want to see her and know she's safe. i feel like the longer she's in there, the more chance she has for something to go wrong. i know that doesn't make much sense... but that's how i see it. (it really bothers me that she's in there with an umbilical cord, just moving around. what if she gets a knot in it?!? what if she gets it wrapped around her neck?!?) unfortunately, i doubt i could convince a doctor to induce me at 31 weeks, just because i'm a nut. (not to mention that an induction this early would be very unsafe.. she's not done cooking yet).


so... back to waiting for tuesday to get here...