selfish

i mentioned a few posts back that my sister is due with her first baby (a boy) on march 22nd. just a reminder- we found out Carli died on march 22nd; her birthday is march 26th. i said i was okay with the due date being so dangerously close to Carli's birthday. suddenly, i'm not feeling so okay anymore.


i am wishing and hoping that her baby can come as far away from "Carli's dates" as possible. it's not that i expect anyone to sit around crying with me every year on march 26th. i don't even expect anyone to mention her birthday. but, for me, those dates belong to Carli. i will be sad. i will be remembering her. i cannot celebrate a birthday for another baby on the day i lost my own.


i don't want him to be born on the 26th. that would be the worst case scenario. the 22nd would also be bad, but not quite as bad. any day that allows for a potential birthday party (in the future) to be on the 22nd or 26th would also not be great. think i could pencil him in for a 37-week march 1st birth? that would work for me.


unfortunately, i don't have control over these things. babies come when they want to. i feel pretty selfish for even feeling the way i do. as a matter of fact, i usually feel selfish. maybe at some point i will realize Carli is my own problem. no one else cares about the baby i carried and only i knew. i guess i'm feeling like i need to "get over it"... but i don't think that will ever happen. i wish i could. i wish things didn't upset me the way they still do.