tuesday

i haven't had much time to update since my appointment on tuesday. first, the appointment was crazy long, and since then, i have been working seemingly non-stop. okay, not really... but have been busy.

so, anyway- the appointment. i decided to take ray and the kids with me. i was thinking maybe we could go somewhere after the appointment; for a drive or something. it's not very often we all get to be together on a weekday evening. (thanks to my work schedule- tuesday is our only chance). so, i had ray wait with the kids in the waiting room, while i went back for my appointment. i figured it would be a quick one. measure my belly, listen to Eden, let me ask a few paranoid questions, and then i'd be on my way.

Eden measured normally, and her heart rate was good- somewhere in the 140's. then came the question part. i asked my questions, and was told everything was normal. then we got to my last question. i told her that i know movement slows down as the baby gets bigger, and i'm sure i'm just being paranoid... but wondered if it was normal for Eden to move less now. the doctor said "well, we can't really know what's going on without looking in there. if you're not comfortable with her movements, we should do some tests, and maybe an ultrasound.

 next thing i know, i'm leaving the doctor's office with directions to the hospital. poor ray looked so bored, and tired... and the kids.. poor kids. it was way past dinner time and we still hadn't even been home. i told ray we had to go to the hospital, which i'm sure freaked him out. i was a little freaked out, but generally okay. so, he was able to drop me off at the hospital for my monitoring, and go find something to eat with the kids.


the nurse took me up to labor and delivery, and began to hook me up to some machines, as she asked some general questions. "so, have you felt baby move today?" i recognize this question... what she meant was "is your baby dead?" i told her i had felt Eden move, but was a little paranoid because i had a previous stillbirth. i told her i was sure everything was fine, but i just wanted to be sure. she understood, and went to get the doctor, to tell him about my "history".


enter the most obnoxiously loud doctor ever. he comes in and says "so this stillbirth thing... did they find a cause?" she's not a thing. she's my daughter. have a little more respect, jackass. "she had hydrops, but doctors don't know what caused it." he smiled, kinda chuckled, and said "yeah, but we have a cause for the fetal demise. that's a good thing. most people don't get a cause. so for you... this is like... next to impossible for it to happen again. that's a good thing." okay, i'm so ready to kick this guy in the face. first, what the fuck are you laughing about? second, don't say "fetal demise" to me. don't try to downplay the death of my child. fuck you. third, how in the hell is this a good thing? and finally, not finding a cause, doesn't make it likely to occur to again. helllloooo!! Carli's hydrops was most likely genetic... therefore, it could be up to 25% likely to happen again. who's the doctor here? what a jackass. i hate that guy. the best part is, i get to see him for my regular check-up in two weeks. ugh.


anyway- Eden decided to be stubborn for a while, and wouldn't move. so, they brought in this vibrating noise maker thing, and vibrated my stomach. i definitely felt her jump. her heart rate went up into the 160's, and she moved a little bit more after that. it took about an hour for them to see the 4 spikes in Eden's heart rate, and then they let me go home. no ultrasound since she did fine with the non-stress test. i hope i never have to do that again. especially with that doctor.