making all the arrangements

i'm thoroughly exhausted today. i didn't get much sleep last night. i woke up early this morning, to get ready for our OB appointment at 9:00. everything seems to be moving in slow motion. my feelings come in waves; at times i feel okay, almost peaceful... then like a ton of bricks, it hits me that my baby will be here soon, and she won't be coming home with us.

the OB appointment was a mess. i signed in, and was extremely relieved to see the waiting room was almost empty. but, that didn't last long. i was immediately joined by a pregnant woman on my right, and a woman with a baby girl on my left. wonderful. as i have said before, i can't expect people to know what is going on with me... but out of the 50 chairs in there.... why sit beside me?

finally they called my name to come up to the window to check-in, do insurance stuff, etc... and the receptionist said "so, you're here to see dr. harris, and your birthday is 11/29/1989?" *sigh* no, that's not me. please, find the right file, lady... i don't want to deal with this today. i think i have been to this office once, when they actually had the right file ready. it shouldn't be so hard. i'm not sure who "Kathleen" is, but she's not me... and my name is Katharine, so what's the big mix up here? we have completely different birthdays; i have kids, she doesn't;  i'm pregnant, she's not... come on!! not to mention both of our files have a huge "NAME ALERT" written on the top... so check your stuff, receptionist. after being asked my birthday 97 times, she said she would find the file "soon".

i returned to my seat between the happy moms with the healthy babies. that was right where i wanted to be... not. finally they called my name, handed me my cup, and gave me an exam room to sit in while i waited for the doctor. a nurse came in to get my weight, and blood pressure. she wrote them on a napkin (yes, seriously!) which told me they still hadn't located my file.

we waited a little while for my OB, and ray and i quietly discussed a few things. just as i began to ask ray "what should we say when dr. harris walks in and says 'i'm so sorry'?" the door began to open. dr. harris walked in and the first thing she said was "i'm so sorry". what do i say to that? "it's okay" doesn't seem quite appropriate... it's so not okay right now. "thank you" seems a little too irrelevant... thank you for being sorry, because i'm not? no i don't think i like that. so, for now, i just nod my head. i figure it acknowledges the sympathy, without me saying something weird like "good". i appreciate the sympathy. i just don't know how to respond to it.

anyway, we made the arrangements for our hospital stuff. i will be admitted tomorrow night, so they can begin to get me dilated. thursday morning, dr.harris will be in to start the induction process. sometime on thursday we will be able to say hello and goodbye to baby Carli. i absolutely hate that it has to be ray and me walking down this path. i wouldn't wish this on anyone, but i still wish it didn't have to be us.

after our appointment we went to "shop around" for funeral arrangements. the first place we went wasn't open, but the second one was extremely helpful. all of their services are free for stillborn babies. the way the guy talked to us, and made notes without us having to say anything was so comforting. for example, he heard ray mention we were having a girl... he said something in passing like "she will be delivered thursday" and the guy wrote down "she". i like that he is acknowledging things so he can talk to us, without having to ask specific details. it's like he's really listening, and making an effort to remember the little things. so, even though the whole time i wanted to complain about how we should be shopping for cribs and car seats, i'm glad we found a funeral home without too much hassle.

things are falling into place. even though i thought we would have more time to prepare, i think we are getting things done quickly, and by the time Carli gets here... we should be ready. at least as ready as we can be.