our last visit with the specialist

i told ray last night that i was worried about our appointment with the specialist today. i didn't have a specific reason to be worried... all of our recent check-ups and tests had been good. and, i worried all day... but still... somehow i thought i would be proven wrong. "see? right there's the heartbeat. Carli is fine."



well, that isn't how it went. the ultrasound technician put the probe on my stomach, and moved it all around, taking measurements, and staying silent. i kept thinking move it over more. it has to be there somewhere. just find the right angle.

then she started asking questions like "is this your first baby?" and "how old are your other children?" i knew then, she was delaying the bad news. finally she said it... "i'm sorry. i can't find a heartbeat." she proceeded to show me all the fluid around Carli, and show me her arms, legs, hands, feet, head, etc. she told me to tell her if it bothered me, and she would turn the monitor off, so i didn't have to watch... but i wasn't watching anyway. i was looking... but it wasn't sinking in.

i guess i expected this to be the outcome today... but it still hurts. i wanted so bad to be wrong. and everything after that "can't find the heartbeat" comment seemed so weird. when we were leaving the office and the nurse said "i'm sorry for your loss", it seemed weird. i just kept repeating it in my head: loss. i don't like that word. the drive home was quiet. it rained the whole time, which somehow seemed oddly appropriate. 

i have to see the OB in the morning to discuss delivery plans... and find out where we go from here.